Sometimes when we reach a certain height in wherever we are.
We get a little cocky... we acquire an air around us...
It sucks... I hope I'll never be like that.
The worst thing is, we don't know we have it and no one says anything.

But if ever our friends tell us, we swipe it aside.
It's just a passing comment.
Sometimes friendships turn sour and when we look back,
we wasted time. We could still be friends.

Maybe I'm thinking the whole scenario in my mind.

See this is life.
Imagine someone puts it too strongly to you.
You might even feel discouraged.
I think I would.

If a low confidence friend thru your encouragement came out of his hole.
And he saw that being confident have it's pros.
He starts to become so confident till it reaches a point of arrogance.
What do you do?
You know it's potentially dangerous for him but you don't want to burst his bubble.
Now that's hard right?
Haha so I guess I should tone it down and be humble then...
Hopefully he sees it and he changes too :)

I'm not a very humble person anyway.
I too, am a arrogant white horse.

signing off,
Xavier

I was just thinking.
Is the company capable enough?
Capable enough to be scalable?
Capable enough to be the biggest laser tag service provider in Singapore?
We are getting known, no doubt.
But at what speed?
We need to come back again to synchronise our steps again.
So that we don't step on each others toes.

What I want the company to cater.
We want to do a lot of things.
We want to be able to cater to all demographics.
How are we going to make our company exclusive.

Although we sell our tea for $1 compared to $5 Starbucks coffee.
What is our selling point?
To make our games affordable and to share the fun of laser tag.
Both friendly to the young and the old.
We are definitely student friendly.

What are some of the skills that we possess that we can sell?
Teamwork?
How do we do that?
Do we have a lesson plan for each game?
Can we learn through that?

We need to define the path we choose.

Emo. I HOPE the clothes thing won't come back again.
Nvm. When I enter army. I can't see shit.
She can wear anything she wants :(

Having a bad day today.
Gonna try smiling it away to keep myself positive.
Just wanna give up LT.
But I can't I have so much to prove with that.
Family, Friends and My Future UNI.

This is life, it a process of maturity to be able to fight for the things that matter.
And pull back for those that don't really matter.

Well I had a great day yesterday.
Spent much of my time with Carissa.
Macdonalds for brunch, chicken rice for lunch and popcorn, nachos and MOS burgers for dinner.
A day well spent.

Feel much further away from God.
Did things that are not pleasing to Him.
Knew it but pushed it aside.
I just pray that God would take this "disease" away from me.

Trying to do something with my life.
But I'm so lazy.
Better wake up from this nightmare soon.

I wished I was 5.
I went everywhere with no worries.
Did everything with child-like innocence.

Growing up is tough.

I hate SMSing...
Why can't people just call?
Must type so long to explain...
It's like neverending smses... just keep coming...

And whats up with the stupid questions on facebook?
Read the description and you will know what the group is all about!?
KK chill... Must be the weather.

Had a good lunch with Carissa at pizzahut
LOVED IT :)
Talked about our future and how I'm so excited about the future.

But,
"Do not boast about tomorrow,
for you do not know what a day may bring forth."
Proverbs 27:1 NIV

So here I am, back to reality.
If I really want a future for us,
I must wake up, start studying and earn some cash.

Stop being sticky and judgmental.
Treat everything with love.
I've yet to grasp the the true meaning of love.
I hope I do soon.
I want to pray for self-control and discipline.
To pass my NAPFA and SAT with Gold and 1900 at least.

Should I continue with Laser Tag?
But it feels like a lost cause to me.
I'll Do what I have to do and see how.

Dear God,
Help me to have a greater passion for you.

Came across this:

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow. "
The father thought some and said,

"OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.
Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner.
Your mother will be the government because she controls everything,
our maid will be the working class because she works for us,
you will be the people because you answer to us,
and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed,
the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying.
Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.

So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty
and his mother wouldn't wake up.
Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall,
and when he reached the door,
he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.
The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table,
"Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
The little boy thought for a minute and said,
"I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class,
government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap. "

Although I can't vote.
I'm not pro opposition or pro PAP.
I'm rooted for the one who shows servant leadership.
Someone who will apologise to his people and move on.
Not cover up or act "macho".

On a side note.
I love my girlfriend.

Xavier

We do what we do out of love and sometimes,
how we hurt so much when we commit so much.
But we still push on for love.
To show the world what love is.
I hope it'll followthrough.

She knows my blog. I told her awhile back.
No one reads this blog other than me, or so I thought.
She reads it too.
After every 2 days we fight.
The trend is coming back.
We will tire ourselves out again.
Like what she said better to see each other over the weekends only.
So she can concentrate on studying.
Been trying to do that.
Did pretty well last week.
Only met her in the morning for 2 days.

We agreed we said things cus of raging emotions and to get attention from one another.
We agreed to move on.
Looking back at my posts I know why you're pissed.
I understand.
I hope one day we can read them as relics or history books that will remind us not to be like that to each other.
Cus it's hurtful.

This break will help us see each other in better light I hope.

Mum made awesome lunch.
Trying to live each day with less thoughts about you is my greatest challenge right now.
When I enjoy things I do, I will think about how we would enjoy it.
WHen I hate it, I promise myself not to include you.
Constant thoughts of you are driving me insane.

Xavier

I wanna remember the best times we had together.
The times where I surprised her at random places.
WIth candles, food and humble gifts.
We had the best time during our stay in Sentosa:)
Spending quiet times walking down the beach together.
Have late breakfasts and awesome lunches and dinners.
I felt very special.
But the way you make everyone feel special kinda marginalized me.
I know I'm getting way more. DUH.
When you make other girls feel special I'm like whatever....
But when you make other guys feel special, I rage inside.
But there's a tiny battle that happens in my mind...
Fighting the rage with memories and assurance.
It's just worse when you don't mind standing arm to arm with another guy
when there's SO MUCH SPACE.

I remember when I was 14 and I was in the train.
This hot girl accidentally brushed my hands and it felt like heaven.
And when some hot girl take notice of me and even takes the initiative to text me first
IT FELT LIKE THE BEST THING ON EARTH.
THE GUYS AGREED WITH ME ON THAT.
SO I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FELT THAT WAY.

BOTTOMLINE. When you're attached be less touchy with other sex to escape unnecessary problems.

I'm just really thankful and I appreciate that she's trying:)

The lack of sensitivity and boundaries with males, shows how important I am to you.
I hope I will be less sensitive.
But the natural instinct to show other males who owns her is damn strong when boundaries are crossed.
Jealousy and potential rage...

Why must she be the only one in class to sit with the guys?
Why can't she be like other girls and be friendlier to girls than guys?
Why open up so many unnecessary possibilities?
Can't she just understand me?
Must she be so open-minded? Brains can fall out you know...

I love her personality, that's why I got together with her.
But her outgoing personality ironically kills me.

She's too comfortable with people too fast.
It's like a sped up friendship. Then something happens and "kaboom."

I've heard too many sorries to forgive, if something do happen.

I know all these translates to insecurities and it is unhealthy.
It seems like I don't trust her?
I just don't want any possibility of anything that can contribute to the fall of a person.

Let's not lie... Being unaware of how touchy and over expressive can lead to situations
that you might not have intended.
Then, "sorry" and "I shouldn't have done that" will be such a pain in the ass.

When I explain to you and you get angry, it's cause you preconceived the convo before I end.
Listen to the full thing. How I started it and how it ended.
If you don't, and just get pissed over my first sentence without hearing me out.
Obviously you will be pissed.
Cus it is a halfway story in your thoughts and you let speculations of what I meant in.
These preconceived notions then breaks us apart.
Because you think that I'm thinking of you in negative light.

This totally blots out who I am to you, what we've done together, what we've done for each other.
That means the good times.
Anger and hysteria sets in to kill and destroy the relationship.
Because that's not what I meant.
But it killed us.
Your own thoughts did. Because you didn't want to hear the whole thing...

Is it bad for me to comment on my girlfriend's inclination to accept
random friend requests from people she don't know?

Stayed up the whole night to finish up my lesson for today.
It's on John Chapter 5 and how if you aim to please God, He will look on you with favor and give you the best life.
Saying is easy. The doing part... Just gotta be stronger.
How I wish life was easier... Just say and you'll do it.

OKay I didn't really stay up...
I slept for 4 hours? haha
I was nodding off...
Oh yeah I'm at coffee bean...
I'm quite tired now...
I think I need to sleep once I get home.

Had a huge battle. My fault for being too spiteful.
I'm sorry I played the guilt card.
I'm sorry I was ranting at you.
I'm sorry I made you feel so small.
Hope you're better now.
Hope I'm forgiven.

I've always kept in my heart that if you love someone "pride" is really nothing.
Love is not about loving the person for who she is.
It's about loving the person for the good and bad traits.
To concentrate on the good traits so that they can outshine the bad trait.
And then tell them to improve on the bad trait that is important for life.
Iron sharpening iron.
If you just accept the person for who they are then whats the point?
Then I say you really don't love the person.
Because you don't help them to become a better person.

But you must be willing to accept your flaws and change them.
Then both will go through a changing process together.
Okay I'm nagging.
It's love that changes us to strive towards what our partners like and dislike about us.

I've learnt something from all the fights with my mum.
Don't do any rash talking or actions when you're angry.
It does no one any good.
True story.
You'll regret what you say, what you did and what you didn't do.
And that is not walking away to get your head straight first.

If you're too loose with words, the person you really love won't feel special.
Cus everyone gets the same stuff.
I thought sweet nothings are for couples.
But I was proven wrong.

I thought I was that sparkle in your eye?
I guess I have to share the space in your eye:(
I thought I was everything to you.
But I guess I'm part of that everything:(

I don't see other people talking to their mission trip kids like that.
Only somewhere along the lines of "I miss yous" and 'hope you're doing fine."
Nothing overly serious till it sounds like they're attracted to each other like couples do.
I don't feel that special anymore.
I just feel that it's weird to talk this way to someone you barely know.
2 weeks or less but the talk seems like a 30 year old friendship.

We're into 7 months and I only got those expressions recently.
Maybe over expressiveness do speed up and skip the natural processess that a friendship ought to take place.
We tend to forget that the people who loves us most deserves that kind of expressions more than anyone else.
I'm talking about God, Parents, Family, the other half, teachers who touched our lives...

I just feel that the words used on me are recycled.
I don't go around saying "I love you", "I miss you" or "you're that sparkle in my eyes" to other people so easily.
Only to my other half and people who have been through with me most parts of my life.
Not a 2 weeks friendship.
I feel so crapped up that a 2 weeks friend got to you while it took me months.
Take it slow... we have to be more cautious as we grow up.
People get more scheming, complicated and crazy to make friends with.
You're massively friendly... I GET IT BUT...
Don't be too anxious to open yourself up.
Cus when people stab you in the back, you can only blame yourself for opening up too easily.

Just talking myself haha.
Nobody reads this anyway...
Blogging is a dying trend.

:( I really needed to rant this out.

Maybe it will all end soon.
Gotta set my landing gear and land back to reality.
Hope the people I love most will be there for me all the way.

I just found out that I need A math for all my business modules. I am screwed and crapped up.
Now I need to take O-level A math and A level A math...
Gotta go and find all the A math stuff...
Hopefully I'm smart enough for H1/2 math. Stupid me luhh...

I was emoing at the atrium.
Just as I was about to head to the gym, I saw Jacob Ng.
He came over and said, "I was just thinking about you." (he's my DGL)
We had breakfast together.
He told me about his honeymoon and how he spent it briefly.
Talked to him about the holiday I had in HK. He went there too.
But we didn't bump into each other.

I was really inspired when he shared with me the things he did during the honeymoon.
Jacob and Yvonne(JY) talked ad prayed over the micro things that a married couple must manage.
Like finances, housing, having a baby and how God plays a part in his life.
He is a Godly friend. Really. He said it was foolish of them to over worry about finances.
Because at the end of parable of the rich man Jesus said,
the foolish man doesn't know that his life will be taken away from him tonight.
The riches that he saved could not be taken up with him.

And I saw how they did QT every morning separately for 30mins-1hour.
Seeking God. They know that God is the centre of their lives.
That the relationship with God is a must to keep even though they have a new phase of life together.

Then Jacob said to love a person wholeheartedly is more important than what you do for them.
It is a heart condition. Do you say you love God and that's why you show that you read the bible?
NO! it's because you love Jesus and it becomes a natural thing for you to do.
It's because you love and that's why there's nothing to boast about when you read the bible (this is an example)
Do you boast about how much you love your life that's why you drink water?
NO it's cus it's a natural thing for us to drink water and love life. There's nothing to boast about.
Thats really something for me to think about man...
That kind of love takes maturity and help from God. I pray for that kind of love.

Help me love God everyday and tell Him that each day was for Him.
Help me to do that Jesus.

This post is dedicated to the person I love most.
Who probably won't see this cus my blog is unknown to all except for binsoon.

I love you.

I'm sorry for feeling so jealous and sensitive all the time.
I'm surprised at how much I've changed when I look back.
I can't believe that I would behave this way.
This is the first time in my life experiencing this kind of overwhelming emotions.

I'm sorry that this is my first relationship.
I'm sorry for being so noob at handling our fights.
I'm sorry for making you envy other girls.
And for the being the unlucky girl to get me.

I'm sorry, stay happy. I know you will when the pig's gone.
I love you.

Loving someone was never easy.
Loving someone take commitment.
Loving someone takes God's love.
Loving someone takes sacrifice.
Loving someone can be painful.
Loving someone makes you vulnerable.

But I don't care about what/how much it takes, I still love you.

Have you ever felt so worried you wanna cry?
Have you ever missed someone till it hurts?
Have you ever felt you are aching to hold the one you love?
Have you ever felt insecure?

I think being liberal is overrated.
People tend to be open to strangers easily.
People tend to be touchy with strangers.
The line between close friendships and causal friendships are blurred.
We give so easily and we get hurt easily.
Life.

Sometimes being traditional for a change shows some class in a certain sense.
The conscious effort to maintain the line between close and distance.
The way we talk, our body language and our speech.
It takes a mature person to understand the power of maintaining certain distances.
There are sensitivities to take into consideration.
Stepping too close could overstep culture sensitivities.
Talking too loosely or unthought body language
Can stem on certain temptations that others might be controlling.

Being open, I find is an excuse to be careless.
When that carelessness causes trouble, we cry and blame others.

If we are open yet we show others we are firm and not easily influenced.
I guess people are giving too much credit to "everyone is doing it"
Too much credit to "do it now, consequences later"
Too much credit to "I am who I am"

Gah life... its full of drawing lines and not overstepping them.
I guess this only comes with a certain maturity.
And the person will be really mature not to overstep these lines.

I MISS CARISSA NG KAH MUN.
I'm sorry, made you pissed again.
What's worse this time is that you're overseas.
I'll try AGAIN !!!!! Please forgive me?
(Not like you can read this.)

Anyway, I'll be off to Hong Kong tomorrow.
I hope she'll be well.
I really miss Carissa.
That's life.
I just gotta suck thumb...

BIN SOON I MISS YOU TOO.
PLEASE BE SAFE.

What does it mean to miss someone and not having the ability to travel 2,300km.
Every night I would pray like a child asking God for the ability to teleport or fly.
I don't even know what to type right now.
The feeling is overwhelming.
I just hope she's safe.
I pray hard that God will watch over her.

For the past few days, I was living in a daze.
Not knowing where to go or what to do.
Even if I had something to distract me, all I had to do was look around to miss her again.
Everything I saw reminded me of her.
Even if it doesn't.
I will about how'd it be like with her around.

Gah... I just hope for the first time that time will move faster.
Sometimes I wish we had iPhone 4 to video call...
But I need to know that this is unhealthy for me.
I need to stop feeling this way.
I cannot be so dependent, It's suicidal.
But I can't... I blardy miss her...
I wish that she'll never have to go too far from me. EVER AGAIN...

I MISS YOU. I KNOW YOU'LL NEVER READ THIS BLOG CUS YOU DON'T KNOW THIS BLOG.
but if you do... I hope you'll see how much I missed you.

I knew this would happen if twitter came back :(

Our priorities show by what we do before we sleep and the moment we're awake.
As long as you're my friend I'll try my best to be there.
I'll know your threshold for jokes.
I'll recognize that you're my friend and walk with you when you're down.
I'll not judge you for your mistakes but encourage when I see effort.
I won't put you down no matter what and I will wait for you to turn back.
I will be emo and express my feelings and thoughts.
But all these are standards I hold to myself.
I can't expect them from my friends.
We are humans. We are not perfect.

I just feel sad. Sad that life makes you choose between people who are dear to you.
Sad that people are jealous.
Sad that I am not mature enough to plan my time.
Sad that people don't see what I see.
Sad that they are constantly making excuses and not admitting faults.
So what if you eloquent?
So what if you can lie fluently?
SO WHAT?
Can you live with it?
If you can live with lies that you have fed your dear ones with.
Or live in self denial and not see people around you are hurt.
Then you're not fit to be my friend.
I am very disappointed and sad.

I might be critical, but I know I am right.
I am trying to make it right too.

Just wanna live life with my family and other half and some good friends.
Can?

-just another human living his life.

Just read about Brian Khoo's post about death.
How unreal it is and strange to marvel into what that last breath would be like.
Death is everywhere.
We read it, watch it and think about it sometimes.
That one liner Brian wrote.
"I may be going through some downs, but life is too good to give"
It's true.
I still have loads of things to check on my list.
Even if God takes away the most important person in my life now.
I must learn to let go.
I'm not saying He will, I'm just saying what if one day He just decides to.

It's strange how people works.
I just hope everything will be on my side.
Don't we all?
Like take the bus and the sun is on the other side.
Ask for more and pay the same amount.

I just hope I won't string my words too loosely and loose myself in the process.
Well at least I know that I will come to my senses after 5 minutes of reflection.
I tend to weigh whats worth and whats not.
Apologise and get it back.
That's me.

Sometimes I see myself as superman, "I don't make mistakes" kind.
But I'm wrong, I do make mistakes.
I was taught from young that it is more important that I admit my mistakes.
More than anything else integrity.

I remember, when I was younger, mum would scold me for failing to apologise.
Then I'll say "sorry" and she would say, "don't say it if you don't mean it, you just say it for the sake of saying."
I will always go, "Mum! Why don't you believe me that I mean it?"
I actually I don't. I apologised in anger.
People can see if I was sincere.

I remember when I was in Sec 1.
I finally had the balls to own up and say,
"mum those times I shouted back at you with a guilt card, they were empty, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry I lied."
She would say, "Vier, you've grown up. You learn how to admit your mistakes even though you know the consequences. I forgive you."
That taught me a lot and it even taught me how to play poker.
Call the bluff only when I have a good hand, don't bluff the bluff.
It'll just backfire and cost me more.

Now I know how it feels to be in Mum's shoes.
Now I truly know my mum's struggles and pain.
Ah well this is life.
Although I know how it feels like to be wearing my mum's shoes,
I will often slip back into my old self and bluff the bluff.

So when you suspect I'm calling bluff with the bluff,
expose me and I will apologise.
This is my code of honor from young.

Xavier's life.

Hey Back again,

I was searching google on relationships and this website came out.

http://www.petting-zoo.org/Essays/?p=1178

It was really good. Short and simple points.

Taught me more about relationships.

AWESOME.

THANK GOD.

Now I think I can finally level up in my relationships with family, friends and girlfriend :)

I have to learn how to let go.

Even when I miss them terribly.

I can't always appear.

I just have to let them know.

SO ANYWAY !

SECOND CHANCE :D

Love,

Xavier

I think its too much and I'm killing it like squeezing the hamster too much.

"All things are permissible but not all things are beneficial."

Circumstances and the choices we made brought us to where we are today.

It becomes our identity.

Question is, when are we willing to throw them away for Jesus.

I say it here and not FB so that people won't think I'm some self righteous bugger.

Cus there's no traffic here at all.

Well at least I write it here to remind myself.

Why Why Why.

Fashion (cleavage, butt, panty, tight -showing clothes) or decency?

I'm sorry I have no fashion sense.

Cover important parts is all I ask.

SO there are no OOPS moments.

No free-shows.

I hope it gets through.

It's a good thing that I'll be going army soon.

I can't comment if I don't see.

I can't be a naggy piece of junk that talks rubbish.

I'm sorry that I said natural pretty girls don't deserve make up.

I'm sorry.

Let's just hope I get a job soon.

Be distracted from "judging" and talking crap.

On a brighter note. EXAMS ARE UP NEXT !!!
REPORTS ARE DONE !!!!

yay

-Xav

All I ever wanted was a sorry.

It might be blablabla but I mean a lie is still a lie right?

A half truth is still a lie.

A coverup story is still a lie.

An alteration in facts is still a lie.

Self denial is still a lie.

Sometimes I ask myself how did all these start.

And I blame myself.

We are all humans.

I need to "kan kai" and forgive like what Jesus did for me.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

I can't even pick up a stone. I was a sinner, I still am a sinner.

May God be my guide.

Forgive me Lord.

Love

Xavier.

Just puzzled that something's changing.

I feel it.

It's getting stronger.

I blame myself for this.

All these hide and seek.

I'm tired of seeking.

I just want honesty.

I won't comment anymore.
I will just give in.

Love is more than a lie.

I forgive.

I relent.

Just need the truth now.

I'm tired

I get a headache because of this all the time.

I need to take Bin Soon's advice. "kan kai"

I need to be less obsessed with this and more obsessed with my studies.

The things that matters more.

I will just "Kan Kai" no more fights... I'm tired.

Just hope that one day I will come to see that the truth will set me free.

How I love life.

I mean if you planned for something already just say right?

What is so bad about meeting your friend when I will be busy?

When she said she will be alone with that look I knew that in her mind she's planning for something already.

But now that I'm free and she cancelled her appointment because of me. I feel bad too.

Should I lie about having a meeting so that she can meet her friend?

Should I just say I feel bad and a fight might start?

I'm scared, scared of airing my opinions.

I mean if you love someone, you will think of them and tell them about your plans no?

Especially on a valentine's day?

Then again she made the effort to meet her and all that. She said she's just a hi/bye friend.

Shouldn't she be the one making the effort if she wants you as a friend?

Then again, who am I to control her.

I dislike the things she do, not hate her. She will definitely influence her

The next thing I know will be, going out with her and doing things that I dislike because it's wrong. ah well.

I just pray that I'm wrong.

I mean if she can hide something this small from me.

She can also hide bigger things better when I'm in the army.

Obviously you're not doing it yet cus I'm not in the army yet.

Love is trust.

But don't preach trust when you're not building it.

What is dignity?

Is it worth 5 cents or a billion dollars?

How much am I willing to give it up in the name of spite or impulsive moments?

NEVER exchange God for momentary pleasure. It's not worth it.

God save us.

How you feel does not matter.

God is still God.

He is still on the throne of grace.

Always prepared to catch you.

Always there to break your fall.

His love is unconditional, undivided and everlasting.

The word undivided is held close to my heart.

Now I know how God feels when we love in part.

Love the good parts about Him and hate the disciplining/obeying parts.

I know how He feels when I misunderstood His plans for me.

I complained to Him when I don't see His way.

It's all coming back.

The person who reads this will know what I mean.

I thank God for Bin Soon really.

The only one who'll hear my rantings and take it with a pinch of salt.

With a solid advise "it's not worth dying for someone we know we don't have yet, sometimes we don't see what we already have and we lose it cus we get complacent."

The people who care are the people who will get hurt most when you die.

Okay I'll be contented with anyone who'll just sit there and listen to my rants.

I was reminded today about 1 Cor 13:4-9 i think. about love.

I need to learn how to distract myself from seeing what she does and say in her world.

then I will get less disappointments and judgments.

I'm such a nagger.

Stupid lies, cover ups, half truths and damage controls.

Scared? Don't do what is disliked?

Problem solved!

Don't have to lie, cover up, half truths or damage control.

Cannot?

Now is a facade. I can't imagine what it's gonna be like

when I enter army.

FREEDOM,

YES XAV IS NOT HERE !!! HEHEHEHE

CONFIRM. BET A BILLION BUCKS.

DO (means alot of things) WHAT YOU WANT. IT WILL HAPPEN, IT WILL.

SAY WHAT YOU WANT, IT WILL HAPPEN, IT WILL.

I am so tired.

Repeating myself and looking like a nag.

It stops for a week, MAX!

Always hoping it'll last.

It's so inconsistent now that I'm paranoid.

It comes and goes as and when.

I'm not supposed to comment.

I'll get stoned. Or at least face a stone.

It's tough.

But I hope.

It's tiring.

But I love.

It's disappointing.

But I try.

I'll keep trying, cus that's what love does.

It's like adrenaline.

It pumps you up.

Because each time you see the perfect ending.

You strive hard for it.

Perhaps too hard till you overheat and die.

You try slowing down.

But fear and doubts take the driver's seat.

Love and You take the backseat.

Soon you're on a rampage to destruction.

Breakup is imminent.

Desperately patching it.

While the other watches, wait and have fun.

It's not a game.

Don't play with hearts.

It can kill.

DON'T EVER LIE. ESPECIALLY TO YOUR LOVE ONES

THEY ASKED CUS THEY CARE.

It's what put fear and doubts in the driver's seat.

Paranoia develops into a monster.

It'll eat you inside out.

Tear you to pieces and make you go mad.

I need a relighted passion.

Mature mind.

Caring self.

Is it worth? Is it tangible?

Is it real? Can it happen?

Why? I wanted it to be simple.

No masks, no make ups, just something simple.

For a simple guy like me. Not too much till I drown.

Why? I asked for it.

Now I feel it's getting complicated.

It's getting bad.

I wanna run

I wanna get out

Perhaps NS will be a good getaway.

I always thought that life is simple.

But it isn't when you face litmus tests. Especially when it turns red.

I want back my life with God.

I want to live like I used to. I woke up each morning to God.

I'll just take my guitar and sing to God.

I will stand on stage just to show people that God is real in my life.

I will go to church wanting to spend time with my community.

I will go to school wanting to spend time with crusaders.

God I really want that back.

God I'm sorry.

I know this confession is not specific.

God I pray that you will reveal to my heart the things that I have done to disappoint you.

Every single speck that is keeping me away from you.

I'm sorry.

Love,

Xavier

Everlasting God, Eternal Father,

I pray that I will let go more.

I pray that you will help me focus more on my walk with you.

I pray that as I walk with You I will trust You more with my life.

I pray that everything will be in place as I seek You.

I pray that I will glorify Your name with the choices I make for You.

I pray that You will honor me too for the choices that I make.

I pray that You will give me the strength and the courage to make those choices.

I pray that by Your grace you will be sufficient for me.

I pray that I will not be afraid to let go.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen.

Really ? Do I have to ?

Do what the book say?

Only make friends who are building you up.

No point mixing around with friends who will pull you down?

I think it's true and that has been my principle.

Did I fail this time?

I need time for myself again and need to find myself again.

I need to think about what's best for myself again.

I had the determination to stop, seriously.

But I can't whenever I think of it.

It's so tough to get rid of this mental block.

It's so tough to get over it alone.

God I need help :(

This is so draining. Worse than last sem.

I need to LET GO.

LET GO Xavier LET GO !

Had a talk with Damien and Prash yesterday. It was really good !

For the longest time I've been asking those who don't attend church to go !

But when it hit me, I didn't saw it coming and I got sucked out of my church community.

Now I know what it means by don't enter into a battle alone.

They advised me and gave me the chance to apologise and prove it to them.

But most importantly to God.

I really need to stand firm. I really need to know my ground and work it out.

Prash used the example of an ants nest.

They build it grain by grain, it'll turn out to be badass although it's built from grains.

We all have had our fair share of weaknesses that led to sin.

But if I have stumbled my christian brothers and sisters, I deserve a huge slap from each one.

And I deserve your disgusts, disses, jokes, name-calling and put-downs.

But I think if you're my true christian brothers and sisters, I deserve your encouragement, prayers and constant reminders.

Maybe I'm demanding for a beggar. Maybe you see it as I don't deserve it.

But I hope you will see the fire in my eyes when I say I want to change.

I just pray that from now on I will make the conscious effort to stop this.

I pray that Jesus will be on my mind from now.

I'm gonna start praying everyday and I'm gonna set alarm to remind myself.

Be it for 1 min or 5mins or 1 hour.

All I ask from my friends is to keep Carissa and I in your prayers.

Thanks.

Xavier

I thought the meaning of love is simple.

You would sacrifice anything. ANYTHING.

Even if you know it might be potentially wrong.

But if it's wrong then you have vested your love on the wrong person.

No?

I know God's love for sure.

Love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

He will definitely rebuke those who makes use of His love.

There will be consequences.

I hope Carissa and I will learn how to love each other more each day as we learn how to love God first :)

When we do, when we obey all His commands, we will learn how to love humans.

Anybody on the streets.

And we will definitely know how to prevent ourselves from being a stumbling block to others.

I wanna start now God and start praying.

I pray that I will repent.

Today on 22nd Jan

Dinner !!!

Just trying to get used to the loner life :)

I'm fine :)

At least have blogger :D

It's a dead blog.

Isolated enough for me to type how I feel here. No one comes anyway.

I'm already missing her when I think of army.

Now I'm missing her even more because I can't spend my BLARDY HOLIDAYS with her.

We are always rushing through. You know how that FEELS ?

No you don't.
When I cry you probably don't know.

When I miss you inside whenever we say goodbye and I'm always the only one expressing it.

I have to say it before you'll give me an extra hug or smile.

I've concluded that I'm too sensitive cus I want you too much.

I should stop.

I love my life :)

Xavier

Don't have to really...
Don't have to consider my feelings.

I mean it's only 2 months of not meeting. Can't hurt that much right?

Even if we meet before the 2 months it's gonna be rushy.

But it's okay.

I'm the more sentimental, take-it-slow kinda guy so it'll hit me more than you.

You won't feel it.

But if it makes your boat float. If it makes you smile. If it makes you happy.

I'll be happy too :)

Somehow the choices, expressions and decisions made,

makes me think that I want this more.

The lack of grip shows that I want this more. I'm gripping harder.

But too much for my own good it cuts through.

It doesn't matter though.

Don't worry just go.

I'll get by.

Someday, maybe someday, it will intensify and I'll feel the grip in my hands.

So tight I hope marks will show.

But it won't cut cus I'm soft.

Perhaps too vulnerable, too soft.

But I believe it works this way.

Life.

Thats how you spell it.

L-I-F-E

It won't be that bad. For me it will be worse.

I'll prepare for more atomic bombs.

So that I won't get heart attacks.