We do what we do out of love and sometimes,
how we hurt so much when we commit so much.
But we still push on for love.
To show the world what love is.
I hope it'll followthrough.

She knows my blog. I told her awhile back.
No one reads this blog other than me, or so I thought.
She reads it too.
After every 2 days we fight.
The trend is coming back.
We will tire ourselves out again.
Like what she said better to see each other over the weekends only.
So she can concentrate on studying.
Been trying to do that.
Did pretty well last week.
Only met her in the morning for 2 days.

We agreed we said things cus of raging emotions and to get attention from one another.
We agreed to move on.
Looking back at my posts I know why you're pissed.
I understand.
I hope one day we can read them as relics or history books that will remind us not to be like that to each other.
Cus it's hurtful.

This break will help us see each other in better light I hope.

Mum made awesome lunch.
Trying to live each day with less thoughts about you is my greatest challenge right now.
When I enjoy things I do, I will think about how we would enjoy it.
WHen I hate it, I promise myself not to include you.
Constant thoughts of you are driving me insane.

Xavier

I wanna remember the best times we had together.
The times where I surprised her at random places.
WIth candles, food and humble gifts.
We had the best time during our stay in Sentosa:)
Spending quiet times walking down the beach together.
Have late breakfasts and awesome lunches and dinners.
I felt very special.
But the way you make everyone feel special kinda marginalized me.
I know I'm getting way more. DUH.
When you make other girls feel special I'm like whatever....
But when you make other guys feel special, I rage inside.
But there's a tiny battle that happens in my mind...
Fighting the rage with memories and assurance.
It's just worse when you don't mind standing arm to arm with another guy
when there's SO MUCH SPACE.

I remember when I was 14 and I was in the train.
This hot girl accidentally brushed my hands and it felt like heaven.
And when some hot girl take notice of me and even takes the initiative to text me first
IT FELT LIKE THE BEST THING ON EARTH.
THE GUYS AGREED WITH ME ON THAT.
SO I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FELT THAT WAY.

BOTTOMLINE. When you're attached be less touchy with other sex to escape unnecessary problems.

I'm just really thankful and I appreciate that she's trying:)

The lack of sensitivity and boundaries with males, shows how important I am to you.
I hope I will be less sensitive.
But the natural instinct to show other males who owns her is damn strong when boundaries are crossed.
Jealousy and potential rage...

Why must she be the only one in class to sit with the guys?
Why can't she be like other girls and be friendlier to girls than guys?
Why open up so many unnecessary possibilities?
Can't she just understand me?
Must she be so open-minded? Brains can fall out you know...

I love her personality, that's why I got together with her.
But her outgoing personality ironically kills me.

She's too comfortable with people too fast.
It's like a sped up friendship. Then something happens and "kaboom."

I've heard too many sorries to forgive, if something do happen.

I know all these translates to insecurities and it is unhealthy.
It seems like I don't trust her?
I just don't want any possibility of anything that can contribute to the fall of a person.

Let's not lie... Being unaware of how touchy and over expressive can lead to situations
that you might not have intended.
Then, "sorry" and "I shouldn't have done that" will be such a pain in the ass.

When I explain to you and you get angry, it's cause you preconceived the convo before I end.
Listen to the full thing. How I started it and how it ended.
If you don't, and just get pissed over my first sentence without hearing me out.
Obviously you will be pissed.
Cus it is a halfway story in your thoughts and you let speculations of what I meant in.
These preconceived notions then breaks us apart.
Because you think that I'm thinking of you in negative light.

This totally blots out who I am to you, what we've done together, what we've done for each other.
That means the good times.
Anger and hysteria sets in to kill and destroy the relationship.
Because that's not what I meant.
But it killed us.
Your own thoughts did. Because you didn't want to hear the whole thing...

Is it bad for me to comment on my girlfriend's inclination to accept
random friend requests from people she don't know?

Stayed up the whole night to finish up my lesson for today.
It's on John Chapter 5 and how if you aim to please God, He will look on you with favor and give you the best life.
Saying is easy. The doing part... Just gotta be stronger.
How I wish life was easier... Just say and you'll do it.

OKay I didn't really stay up...
I slept for 4 hours? haha
I was nodding off...
Oh yeah I'm at coffee bean...
I'm quite tired now...
I think I need to sleep once I get home.

Had a huge battle. My fault for being too spiteful.
I'm sorry I played the guilt card.
I'm sorry I was ranting at you.
I'm sorry I made you feel so small.
Hope you're better now.
Hope I'm forgiven.

I've always kept in my heart that if you love someone "pride" is really nothing.
Love is not about loving the person for who she is.
It's about loving the person for the good and bad traits.
To concentrate on the good traits so that they can outshine the bad trait.
And then tell them to improve on the bad trait that is important for life.
Iron sharpening iron.
If you just accept the person for who they are then whats the point?
Then I say you really don't love the person.
Because you don't help them to become a better person.

But you must be willing to accept your flaws and change them.
Then both will go through a changing process together.
Okay I'm nagging.
It's love that changes us to strive towards what our partners like and dislike about us.

I've learnt something from all the fights with my mum.
Don't do any rash talking or actions when you're angry.
It does no one any good.
True story.
You'll regret what you say, what you did and what you didn't do.
And that is not walking away to get your head straight first.

If you're too loose with words, the person you really love won't feel special.
Cus everyone gets the same stuff.
I thought sweet nothings are for couples.
But I was proven wrong.

I thought I was that sparkle in your eye?
I guess I have to share the space in your eye:(
I thought I was everything to you.
But I guess I'm part of that everything:(

I don't see other people talking to their mission trip kids like that.
Only somewhere along the lines of "I miss yous" and 'hope you're doing fine."
Nothing overly serious till it sounds like they're attracted to each other like couples do.
I don't feel that special anymore.
I just feel that it's weird to talk this way to someone you barely know.
2 weeks or less but the talk seems like a 30 year old friendship.

We're into 7 months and I only got those expressions recently.
Maybe over expressiveness do speed up and skip the natural processess that a friendship ought to take place.
We tend to forget that the people who loves us most deserves that kind of expressions more than anyone else.
I'm talking about God, Parents, Family, the other half, teachers who touched our lives...

I just feel that the words used on me are recycled.
I don't go around saying "I love you", "I miss you" or "you're that sparkle in my eyes" to other people so easily.
Only to my other half and people who have been through with me most parts of my life.
Not a 2 weeks friendship.
I feel so crapped up that a 2 weeks friend got to you while it took me months.
Take it slow... we have to be more cautious as we grow up.
People get more scheming, complicated and crazy to make friends with.
You're massively friendly... I GET IT BUT...
Don't be too anxious to open yourself up.
Cus when people stab you in the back, you can only blame yourself for opening up too easily.

Just talking myself haha.
Nobody reads this anyway...
Blogging is a dying trend.

:( I really needed to rant this out.

Maybe it will all end soon.
Gotta set my landing gear and land back to reality.
Hope the people I love most will be there for me all the way.

I just found out that I need A math for all my business modules. I am screwed and crapped up.
Now I need to take O-level A math and A level A math...
Gotta go and find all the A math stuff...
Hopefully I'm smart enough for H1/2 math. Stupid me luhh...

I was emoing at the atrium.
Just as I was about to head to the gym, I saw Jacob Ng.
He came over and said, "I was just thinking about you." (he's my DGL)
We had breakfast together.
He told me about his honeymoon and how he spent it briefly.
Talked to him about the holiday I had in HK. He went there too.
But we didn't bump into each other.

I was really inspired when he shared with me the things he did during the honeymoon.
Jacob and Yvonne(JY) talked ad prayed over the micro things that a married couple must manage.
Like finances, housing, having a baby and how God plays a part in his life.
He is a Godly friend. Really. He said it was foolish of them to over worry about finances.
Because at the end of parable of the rich man Jesus said,
the foolish man doesn't know that his life will be taken away from him tonight.
The riches that he saved could not be taken up with him.

And I saw how they did QT every morning separately for 30mins-1hour.
Seeking God. They know that God is the centre of their lives.
That the relationship with God is a must to keep even though they have a new phase of life together.

Then Jacob said to love a person wholeheartedly is more important than what you do for them.
It is a heart condition. Do you say you love God and that's why you show that you read the bible?
NO! it's because you love Jesus and it becomes a natural thing for you to do.
It's because you love and that's why there's nothing to boast about when you read the bible (this is an example)
Do you boast about how much you love your life that's why you drink water?
NO it's cus it's a natural thing for us to drink water and love life. There's nothing to boast about.
Thats really something for me to think about man...
That kind of love takes maturity and help from God. I pray for that kind of love.

Help me love God everyday and tell Him that each day was for Him.
Help me to do that Jesus.