I always thought that life is simple.

But it isn't when you face litmus tests. Especially when it turns red.

I want back my life with God.

I want to live like I used to. I woke up each morning to God.

I'll just take my guitar and sing to God.

I will stand on stage just to show people that God is real in my life.

I will go to church wanting to spend time with my community.

I will go to school wanting to spend time with crusaders.

God I really want that back.

God I'm sorry.

I know this confession is not specific.

God I pray that you will reveal to my heart the things that I have done to disappoint you.

Every single speck that is keeping me away from you.

I'm sorry.

Love,

Xavier

Everlasting God, Eternal Father,

I pray that I will let go more.

I pray that you will help me focus more on my walk with you.

I pray that as I walk with You I will trust You more with my life.

I pray that everything will be in place as I seek You.

I pray that I will glorify Your name with the choices I make for You.

I pray that You will honor me too for the choices that I make.

I pray that You will give me the strength and the courage to make those choices.

I pray that by Your grace you will be sufficient for me.

I pray that I will not be afraid to let go.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen.

Really ? Do I have to ?

Do what the book say?

Only make friends who are building you up.

No point mixing around with friends who will pull you down?

I think it's true and that has been my principle.

Did I fail this time?

I need time for myself again and need to find myself again.

I need to think about what's best for myself again.

I had the determination to stop, seriously.

But I can't whenever I think of it.

It's so tough to get rid of this mental block.

It's so tough to get over it alone.

God I need help :(

This is so draining. Worse than last sem.

I need to LET GO.

LET GO Xavier LET GO !

Had a talk with Damien and Prash yesterday. It was really good !

For the longest time I've been asking those who don't attend church to go !

But when it hit me, I didn't saw it coming and I got sucked out of my church community.

Now I know what it means by don't enter into a battle alone.

They advised me and gave me the chance to apologise and prove it to them.

But most importantly to God.

I really need to stand firm. I really need to know my ground and work it out.

Prash used the example of an ants nest.

They build it grain by grain, it'll turn out to be badass although it's built from grains.

We all have had our fair share of weaknesses that led to sin.

But if I have stumbled my christian brothers and sisters, I deserve a huge slap from each one.

And I deserve your disgusts, disses, jokes, name-calling and put-downs.

But I think if you're my true christian brothers and sisters, I deserve your encouragement, prayers and constant reminders.

Maybe I'm demanding for a beggar. Maybe you see it as I don't deserve it.

But I hope you will see the fire in my eyes when I say I want to change.

I just pray that from now on I will make the conscious effort to stop this.

I pray that Jesus will be on my mind from now.

I'm gonna start praying everyday and I'm gonna set alarm to remind myself.

Be it for 1 min or 5mins or 1 hour.

All I ask from my friends is to keep Carissa and I in your prayers.

Thanks.

Xavier

I thought the meaning of love is simple.

You would sacrifice anything. ANYTHING.

Even if you know it might be potentially wrong.

But if it's wrong then you have vested your love on the wrong person.

No?

I know God's love for sure.

Love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

He will definitely rebuke those who makes use of His love.

There will be consequences.

I hope Carissa and I will learn how to love each other more each day as we learn how to love God first :)

When we do, when we obey all His commands, we will learn how to love humans.

Anybody on the streets.

And we will definitely know how to prevent ourselves from being a stumbling block to others.

I wanna start now God and start praying.

I pray that I will repent.

Today on 22nd Jan

Dinner !!!

Just trying to get used to the loner life :)

I'm fine :)

At least have blogger :D

It's a dead blog.

Isolated enough for me to type how I feel here. No one comes anyway.

I'm already missing her when I think of army.

Now I'm missing her even more because I can't spend my BLARDY HOLIDAYS with her.

We are always rushing through. You know how that FEELS ?

No you don't.
When I cry you probably don't know.

When I miss you inside whenever we say goodbye and I'm always the only one expressing it.

I have to say it before you'll give me an extra hug or smile.

I've concluded that I'm too sensitive cus I want you too much.

I should stop.

I love my life :)

Xavier

Don't have to really...
Don't have to consider my feelings.

I mean it's only 2 months of not meeting. Can't hurt that much right?

Even if we meet before the 2 months it's gonna be rushy.

But it's okay.

I'm the more sentimental, take-it-slow kinda guy so it'll hit me more than you.

You won't feel it.

But if it makes your boat float. If it makes you smile. If it makes you happy.

I'll be happy too :)

Somehow the choices, expressions and decisions made,

makes me think that I want this more.

The lack of grip shows that I want this more. I'm gripping harder.

But too much for my own good it cuts through.

It doesn't matter though.

Don't worry just go.

I'll get by.

Someday, maybe someday, it will intensify and I'll feel the grip in my hands.

So tight I hope marks will show.

But it won't cut cus I'm soft.

Perhaps too vulnerable, too soft.

But I believe it works this way.

Life.

Thats how you spell it.

L-I-F-E

It won't be that bad. For me it will be worse.

I'll prepare for more atomic bombs.

So that I won't get heart attacks.