Just read about Brian Khoo's post about death.
How unreal it is and strange to marvel into what that last breath would be like.
Death is everywhere.
We read it, watch it and think about it sometimes.
That one liner Brian wrote.
"I may be going through some downs, but life is too good to give"
It's true.
I still have loads of things to check on my list.
Even if God takes away the most important person in my life now.
I must learn to let go.
I'm not saying He will, I'm just saying what if one day He just decides to.

It's strange how people works.
I just hope everything will be on my side.
Don't we all?
Like take the bus and the sun is on the other side.
Ask for more and pay the same amount.

I just hope I won't string my words too loosely and loose myself in the process.
Well at least I know that I will come to my senses after 5 minutes of reflection.
I tend to weigh whats worth and whats not.
Apologise and get it back.
That's me.

Sometimes I see myself as superman, "I don't make mistakes" kind.
But I'm wrong, I do make mistakes.
I was taught from young that it is more important that I admit my mistakes.
More than anything else integrity.

I remember, when I was younger, mum would scold me for failing to apologise.
Then I'll say "sorry" and she would say, "don't say it if you don't mean it, you just say it for the sake of saying."
I will always go, "Mum! Why don't you believe me that I mean it?"
I actually I don't. I apologised in anger.
People can see if I was sincere.

I remember when I was in Sec 1.
I finally had the balls to own up and say,
"mum those times I shouted back at you with a guilt card, they were empty, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry I lied."
She would say, "Vier, you've grown up. You learn how to admit your mistakes even though you know the consequences. I forgive you."
That taught me a lot and it even taught me how to play poker.
Call the bluff only when I have a good hand, don't bluff the bluff.
It'll just backfire and cost me more.

Now I know how it feels to be in Mum's shoes.
Now I truly know my mum's struggles and pain.
Ah well this is life.
Although I know how it feels like to be wearing my mum's shoes,
I will often slip back into my old self and bluff the bluff.

So when you suspect I'm calling bluff with the bluff,
expose me and I will apologise.
This is my code of honor from young.

Xavier's life.

Hey Back again,

I was searching google on relationships and this website came out.

http://www.petting-zoo.org/Essays/?p=1178

It was really good. Short and simple points.

Taught me more about relationships.

AWESOME.

THANK GOD.

Now I think I can finally level up in my relationships with family, friends and girlfriend :)

I have to learn how to let go.

Even when I miss them terribly.

I can't always appear.

I just have to let them know.

SO ANYWAY !

SECOND CHANCE :D

Love,

Xavier

I think its too much and I'm killing it like squeezing the hamster too much.

"All things are permissible but not all things are beneficial."

Circumstances and the choices we made brought us to where we are today.

It becomes our identity.

Question is, when are we willing to throw them away for Jesus.

I say it here and not FB so that people won't think I'm some self righteous bugger.

Cus there's no traffic here at all.

Well at least I write it here to remind myself.

Why Why Why.

Fashion (cleavage, butt, panty, tight -showing clothes) or decency?

I'm sorry I have no fashion sense.

Cover important parts is all I ask.

SO there are no OOPS moments.

No free-shows.

I hope it gets through.

It's a good thing that I'll be going army soon.

I can't comment if I don't see.

I can't be a naggy piece of junk that talks rubbish.

I'm sorry that I said natural pretty girls don't deserve make up.

I'm sorry.

Let's just hope I get a job soon.

Be distracted from "judging" and talking crap.

On a brighter note. EXAMS ARE UP NEXT !!!
REPORTS ARE DONE !!!!

yay

-Xav

All I ever wanted was a sorry.

It might be blablabla but I mean a lie is still a lie right?

A half truth is still a lie.

A coverup story is still a lie.

An alteration in facts is still a lie.

Self denial is still a lie.

Sometimes I ask myself how did all these start.

And I blame myself.

We are all humans.

I need to "kan kai" and forgive like what Jesus did for me.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

I can't even pick up a stone. I was a sinner, I still am a sinner.

May God be my guide.

Forgive me Lord.

Love

Xavier.

Just puzzled that something's changing.

I feel it.

It's getting stronger.

I blame myself for this.

All these hide and seek.

I'm tired of seeking.

I just want honesty.

I won't comment anymore.
I will just give in.

Love is more than a lie.

I forgive.

I relent.

Just need the truth now.

I'm tired

I get a headache because of this all the time.

I need to take Bin Soon's advice. "kan kai"

I need to be less obsessed with this and more obsessed with my studies.

The things that matters more.

I will just "Kan Kai" no more fights... I'm tired.

Just hope that one day I will come to see that the truth will set me free.

How I love life.

I mean if you planned for something already just say right?

What is so bad about meeting your friend when I will be busy?

When she said she will be alone with that look I knew that in her mind she's planning for something already.

But now that I'm free and she cancelled her appointment because of me. I feel bad too.

Should I lie about having a meeting so that she can meet her friend?

Should I just say I feel bad and a fight might start?

I'm scared, scared of airing my opinions.

I mean if you love someone, you will think of them and tell them about your plans no?

Especially on a valentine's day?

Then again she made the effort to meet her and all that. She said she's just a hi/bye friend.

Shouldn't she be the one making the effort if she wants you as a friend?

Then again, who am I to control her.

I dislike the things she do, not hate her. She will definitely influence her

The next thing I know will be, going out with her and doing things that I dislike because it's wrong. ah well.

I just pray that I'm wrong.

I mean if she can hide something this small from me.

She can also hide bigger things better when I'm in the army.

Obviously you're not doing it yet cus I'm not in the army yet.

Love is trust.

But don't preach trust when you're not building it.

What is dignity?

Is it worth 5 cents or a billion dollars?

How much am I willing to give it up in the name of spite or impulsive moments?

NEVER exchange God for momentary pleasure. It's not worth it.

God save us.

How you feel does not matter.

God is still God.

He is still on the throne of grace.

Always prepared to catch you.

Always there to break your fall.

His love is unconditional, undivided and everlasting.

The word undivided is held close to my heart.

Now I know how God feels when we love in part.

Love the good parts about Him and hate the disciplining/obeying parts.

I know how He feels when I misunderstood His plans for me.

I complained to Him when I don't see His way.

It's all coming back.

The person who reads this will know what I mean.

I thank God for Bin Soon really.

The only one who'll hear my rantings and take it with a pinch of salt.

With a solid advise "it's not worth dying for someone we know we don't have yet, sometimes we don't see what we already have and we lose it cus we get complacent."

The people who care are the people who will get hurt most when you die.

Okay I'll be contented with anyone who'll just sit there and listen to my rants.

I was reminded today about 1 Cor 13:4-9 i think. about love.

I need to learn how to distract myself from seeing what she does and say in her world.

then I will get less disappointments and judgments.

I'm such a nagger.

Stupid lies, cover ups, half truths and damage controls.

Scared? Don't do what is disliked?

Problem solved!

Don't have to lie, cover up, half truths or damage control.

Cannot?

Now is a facade. I can't imagine what it's gonna be like

when I enter army.

FREEDOM,

YES XAV IS NOT HERE !!! HEHEHEHE

CONFIRM. BET A BILLION BUCKS.

DO (means alot of things) WHAT YOU WANT. IT WILL HAPPEN, IT WILL.

SAY WHAT YOU WANT, IT WILL HAPPEN, IT WILL.

I am so tired.

Repeating myself and looking like a nag.

It stops for a week, MAX!

Always hoping it'll last.

It's so inconsistent now that I'm paranoid.

It comes and goes as and when.

I'm not supposed to comment.

I'll get stoned. Or at least face a stone.

It's tough.

But I hope.

It's tiring.

But I love.

It's disappointing.

But I try.

I'll keep trying, cus that's what love does.

It's like adrenaline.

It pumps you up.

Because each time you see the perfect ending.

You strive hard for it.

Perhaps too hard till you overheat and die.

You try slowing down.

But fear and doubts take the driver's seat.

Love and You take the backseat.

Soon you're on a rampage to destruction.

Breakup is imminent.

Desperately patching it.

While the other watches, wait and have fun.

It's not a game.

Don't play with hearts.

It can kill.

DON'T EVER LIE. ESPECIALLY TO YOUR LOVE ONES

THEY ASKED CUS THEY CARE.

It's what put fear and doubts in the driver's seat.

Paranoia develops into a monster.

It'll eat you inside out.

Tear you to pieces and make you go mad.

I need a relighted passion.

Mature mind.

Caring self.

Is it worth? Is it tangible?

Is it real? Can it happen?

Why? I wanted it to be simple.

No masks, no make ups, just something simple.

For a simple guy like me. Not too much till I drown.

Why? I asked for it.

Now I feel it's getting complicated.

It's getting bad.

I wanna run

I wanna get out

Perhaps NS will be a good getaway.