Tiresome

So, today ended badly.

Was supposed to attend a church camp meeting. But I had to miss it cus the Wife's aunt was flying. Thought we would be done by 9.15 latest because flight is at 1045. But they went in at 9.55pm.

Got another surprise. Was supposed to surprise a friend for her birthday. Was supposed to be in SGH and just drop medication but Carissa's dad texted and wanted us to go up. Stayed till 10.50.

So P and D got pissed naturally. And I understand.

The wife knew and now I am fighting with her to defend my friends on why they have every right to be pissed. So I ended up on Holland Road of course to walk my way in to Birthday girl's house. Cus I couldn't find myself a cab and uber was taking eons to arrive. Cancelled twice....

But that's alright. I thought my friends will understand even after the text, but you know what ? They sat on their cushy chairs being petty pissed at me without even hearing me out of course I felt their sarcasm in the group chat.

They told me that I wasn't communicating with them enough so they have the pass to be pissed with me. While I understand that they will feel this way, I think they could be more understanding.

I tend to want to please everybody till I shortchanged myself. Now my wife doesn't want to talk to me and I just hate it that generally people, are pissed at me.

In some sense I am like my mum. Not in a monetary sense but more of an emotional sense. I have so many social circles that I disappoint some and over deliver in other circles. I try to have the best of both worlds to maximise my time with them.

I would then occasionally, disappoint the ones I used to over deliver with and hang out with those whom I previously disappoint.

Scooping sand on one side to fill a hole while causing another hole to appear....

I am quite tired and I want to keep to myself. But I cannot keep still man. If my calendar is empty, I will want to fill it up.

When I slow down, I think that I am a good for nothing.

I would understand if other social circles don't understand. But if my closest friends can't over extend themselves to understand then I think we would stop short at just being friends.

Like for B, he is not that high maintenance. I like it. He is where we left off the last time. He understands that I am busy and that sometimes I don't reply because I need a break. AND most importantly he hears me out and bitch about me to my face.

We both apologise to each other when we're wrong. I think that's the way to go. Not throw shit and make each other stress. We TRUST each other to not take advantage of each other and even if we did take it for granted that we have each other, we TRUST that it is for a good reason and wait.

But no, my supposed best friends threw mud at me tonight. They might not have done it intentionally, but I sure felt like mud was slapping my face.

Anyway, I texted them and they have apologised. And I did too for not informing them.

Carissa's grandma (dad's side) is stable now (thanks for asking). The family is not close to her, therefore I factored that into the time estimation but, it turned out we were not dropping by and we were actually visiting her.... Can I say no?

What the actual EFFFFFFFFF... Still quite disappointed to know that my close friends can't trust and wait for my explanation...    

Uncomfortable. Pride. We caused it.

Been in a discussion with my Best friend on how he is uncomfortable with certain people inside and outside of our common social circle.

I feel that it is a self imposed feeling.

There are times when I feel particularly uncomfortable and disturbed when people start making over sexualised innuendos or gossip. But I managed to change the topic and guide it according to the way I wanted it. And I am going to share some practical and proven steps that I take to achieve that:

STEP 1:  Target the person's favorite subject matter.

When someone asks you about your vocation, it is usually to find out your interests. When all else fails, talk about the teambuilding sessions that the company has and discuss about them. E.g, Laser tag vs Terrarium building.

STEP 2: Find out about family.

Talk about ideals and what growing up was like, ask leading questions like, "what are some of the most memorable things you've done with your family." Look at their facial expressions and you'll roughly figure out if he is a family guy. You will get a clue if he is sentimental.

STEP 3: Ask about holiday destinations and the most memorable trip.

This will reveal the most about a persons interest and what he typically likes to do. It could be a range of things from shopping, talking to people (it will be obvious cus they will talk alot), hiking, staying in the hotel, backpacking etc...

Don't ever give anybody the excuse that they cannot click with you. There more things to life than difference in religion, tongue and ideals. It is because you have become a stubborn conservative that prevents you from stepping out of your comfort zone.

I realised that as people we like to label and feel safe in our own comfort zone and throw stones at glasshouses without realising that we are glasshouses ourselves.

There is a greater downside to pride. You want to own things and you want things to turn out the way you want to. If it doesn't turn out the way you want it, you get depressed and sad that you cannot control things and people.

When people figure out who you are they will leave you. Because people don't like to be owned.

My mantle is to love people. Yes I bitch about them sometimes. But I force myself to love because I am called to love people no matter what.

Stay humble. Stay cool. Turn down pride. It destroys people.

18Pride goes before destruction,

a haughty spirit before a fall.
Proverbs 16:18

Pride comes before the fall. 

A poor man will always make poor choices

When you're poor, you're forced to make poor choices. Because the options given are always limited.

Its always between the 2 evils or a few...

Sometimes. I feel that I'm dealt with these cards so that I can understand poormen better and let them know that it is not the end of this world.

A rich man will never know what a poor man struggles with and vice versa. To know how strong a person is, give hik a terrible backstory and takeaway his creature comforts (car, house, money).

Make him work as a service staff... but if one is born with resources to go thru school without debt, one would never be able to go through such a humbling experience and soften ones heart.

How then will one know what it is like to be thankful and then show gratitude? I suspect that one would never know till one goes through something that humbling.

But I believe that God knows the strength of His people and will not put them through experiences that they cannot handle. Therefore, one is "compensated" with wealth and a terrible back story or vice versa.

I believe that life is about balance and we need to try our best to be as sensitve as possible to do what needs to be done and what needs to be said.

It's CNY and I am so dam happy to be spending this CNY with my beloved siblings and wife.

Yes, Wife.

I love her to bits. She challenges me to be a better human than yesterday. Also, did I mention before that I am married to a super hot babe ? Hear it from me again.

My wife is super hot.

Cray times, cray people.

I am back online.

So a lot has happened the past year. We realised that our grandparents gave their all for our family. They literally did. They sold our house and gave all their life savings to my parents to "sustain" the business. But it's actually for gambling.

I shifted out with my siblings in September, staying in a 1.5k sqft apartment for 2k/mth. Cheaper than a 4 room HDB. The best part, don't have to pay for parking and I get amenities like swimming pool and gym.

We have learnt so many things. We have learnt how to wait and discern for God to show us the way. It is not like a bright green arrow that guides us there. It is more like a gentle nudge and an assurance (peace, zen) that we have made the right choice.

Os took a major step. We prayed and we said if we managed to raise money for his 1st year of dentistry then he will proceed to study Dentistry in Adelaide and drop Physio in SIT. Lo and Behold, we did. He also managed to find a 100/week rental 20 minutes walk away from school. Praise the Lord.

I have never been so sure about God in the past 25 years of my life. We struggled, we had to still make difficult choices. But we came out stronger. And we continue to grow and learn.

In other news..............

I got married on 7th of January 2016!!!!!

Its a bittersweet feeling. Couldn't invite my parents for various reasons. It drove a nail to my heart. But I had to do it for the sake of my wife and my siblings. We had to dissociate for our future. We will definitely want some form of reconciliation. But it will be when my siblings have graduated from Uni and are more stable in life.

On a happier note, I am so blessed to have so many friends who are looking out for me. My bridal party is a testimony to that. My Bestman who is my bestfriend in life showed me how much he is willing to put his neck out for me. In an all christian setting and with a few friends that he don't normally hangout with, he created conversations with them and made me feel comfortable for him.

I was super worried that he won't be able to take it. But he handled it so well. The bridesmaids were all very happy with him. My extended relatives were happy for me that I have a someone whom I can call a true friend, a comforter and a super good advisor.

Although he is not Christian, I pray that he is secretly. Because unlike other people, who will beat their chests and call themselves christians but have no substance, my bestfriend will not boast and make empty promises. I want to see him in Heaven with me and my family. He is really a good guy and I hope he will find a nice girl that will not give him any problems because he has enough on his plate as well. But knowing him, he is one who will never back down from a challenge. Unique things catches his eyes, so it won't be a surprise if the girl he falls for will be another challenge.

He might have the physique and mental strength to overcome challenges, but he is still a squishy heart inside with soft sides of him. Well he cried badly during my wedding. And we both know deep inside we connect really well and we know each other through and through. That's also why we hate each other and sometimes we can be abrasive against each other.

This holiday, I also got closer to Cheng, she is having a huge battle within herself to change for the better to keep the good values and reject the values that are not worth holding on to. I only have 2 words for her. Struggle on. She is not the person people make her out to be. And if only people will get to know her better. If only she allow mentors to speak into her life and refine her in that process, she will be a powerful individual with strong convictions and the boldness to speak them. Looking forward to feast with her.

Well now we have an even bigger headache after Os's overseas decision. We have a housing issue. It is not wise to continue paying for rent. So we are looking at the Bukit Batok Estate behind Hillview. It is 4 bus stops away from Hillview MRT and 3 bus stops away from Bukit Batok MRT :)

We just hope that we can go as low as 380k to make it a fair deal. Car and I will be able to afford then.

The next decision is whether Cami should go for law in Murdoch Uni. Thats 160k for 3 years. Something that is not too tough to raise but we will need the funds for Oscar.

Dear Lord, now I know why a simple and an impossible idea can prosper. There is so much things we have to pay for and it's only one tiny Xavier Chng. But proverbs says that He uses the weak to shame the strong and the poor to shame the rich. I pray that the path of humility is something that I will continue to take. Eating the humble pie can't be that bad since I love eating.

As for my wife. My lovely wife. I cannot begin to even write in words how much she means to me. How thankful I am for her. The random hugs and notes I get from her can just light up a dull/bad day. Sometimes I wish I don't have to work so that I can lie on her lap and read a good book the forever.

She has this sinus problem. She will get multiple ulcers in her mouth like 15-20 ulcers (i kid you not) before her period and her nose will start dripping like an open tap. That's when you know that her period is coming in a week's time.

I feel her pain and I see her cry and weep whenever it hits her bad. I feel like shit because I don't know what to do. She will be seeing a specialist soon and I hope that it will help. I'll make her hot tea and switch on the air purifier because those are the only things I know for sure that will make her feel better but not for long. HELP. I feel so pissed off that she can't be healed.

And to my partner Ian. The most patient man on earth. I don't know how he does it man. haha To more years of money making ahead. Very super materialistic and money minded now because I need the money at this point in time.

Help.