I always thought that life is simple.

But it isn't when you face litmus tests. Especially when it turns red.

I want back my life with God.

I want to live like I used to. I woke up each morning to God.

I'll just take my guitar and sing to God.

I will stand on stage just to show people that God is real in my life.

I will go to church wanting to spend time with my community.

I will go to school wanting to spend time with crusaders.

God I really want that back.

God I'm sorry.

I know this confession is not specific.

God I pray that you will reveal to my heart the things that I have done to disappoint you.

Every single speck that is keeping me away from you.

I'm sorry.

Love,

Xavier

Everlasting God, Eternal Father,

I pray that I will let go more.

I pray that you will help me focus more on my walk with you.

I pray that as I walk with You I will trust You more with my life.

I pray that everything will be in place as I seek You.

I pray that I will glorify Your name with the choices I make for You.

I pray that You will honor me too for the choices that I make.

I pray that You will give me the strength and the courage to make those choices.

I pray that by Your grace you will be sufficient for me.

I pray that I will not be afraid to let go.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen.

Really ? Do I have to ?

Do what the book say?

Only make friends who are building you up.

No point mixing around with friends who will pull you down?

I think it's true and that has been my principle.

Did I fail this time?

I need time for myself again and need to find myself again.

I need to think about what's best for myself again.

I had the determination to stop, seriously.

But I can't whenever I think of it.

It's so tough to get rid of this mental block.

It's so tough to get over it alone.

God I need help :(

This is so draining. Worse than last sem.

I need to LET GO.

LET GO Xavier LET GO !

Had a talk with Damien and Prash yesterday. It was really good !

For the longest time I've been asking those who don't attend church to go !

But when it hit me, I didn't saw it coming and I got sucked out of my church community.

Now I know what it means by don't enter into a battle alone.

They advised me and gave me the chance to apologise and prove it to them.

But most importantly to God.

I really need to stand firm. I really need to know my ground and work it out.

Prash used the example of an ants nest.

They build it grain by grain, it'll turn out to be badass although it's built from grains.

We all have had our fair share of weaknesses that led to sin.

But if I have stumbled my christian brothers and sisters, I deserve a huge slap from each one.

And I deserve your disgusts, disses, jokes, name-calling and put-downs.

But I think if you're my true christian brothers and sisters, I deserve your encouragement, prayers and constant reminders.

Maybe I'm demanding for a beggar. Maybe you see it as I don't deserve it.

But I hope you will see the fire in my eyes when I say I want to change.

I just pray that from now on I will make the conscious effort to stop this.

I pray that Jesus will be on my mind from now.

I'm gonna start praying everyday and I'm gonna set alarm to remind myself.

Be it for 1 min or 5mins or 1 hour.

All I ask from my friends is to keep Carissa and I in your prayers.

Thanks.

Xavier

I thought the meaning of love is simple.

You would sacrifice anything. ANYTHING.

Even if you know it might be potentially wrong.

But if it's wrong then you have vested your love on the wrong person.

No?

I know God's love for sure.

Love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

He will definitely rebuke those who makes use of His love.

There will be consequences.

I hope Carissa and I will learn how to love each other more each day as we learn how to love God first :)

When we do, when we obey all His commands, we will learn how to love humans.

Anybody on the streets.

And we will definitely know how to prevent ourselves from being a stumbling block to others.

I wanna start now God and start praying.

I pray that I will repent.

Today on 22nd Jan

Dinner !!!

Just trying to get used to the loner life :)

I'm fine :)

At least have blogger :D

It's a dead blog.

Isolated enough for me to type how I feel here. No one comes anyway.

I'm already missing her when I think of army.

Now I'm missing her even more because I can't spend my BLARDY HOLIDAYS with her.

We are always rushing through. You know how that FEELS ?

No you don't.
When I cry you probably don't know.

When I miss you inside whenever we say goodbye and I'm always the only one expressing it.

I have to say it before you'll give me an extra hug or smile.

I've concluded that I'm too sensitive cus I want you too much.

I should stop.

I love my life :)

Xavier

Don't have to really...
Don't have to consider my feelings.

I mean it's only 2 months of not meeting. Can't hurt that much right?

Even if we meet before the 2 months it's gonna be rushy.

But it's okay.

I'm the more sentimental, take-it-slow kinda guy so it'll hit me more than you.

You won't feel it.

But if it makes your boat float. If it makes you smile. If it makes you happy.

I'll be happy too :)

Somehow the choices, expressions and decisions made,

makes me think that I want this more.

The lack of grip shows that I want this more. I'm gripping harder.

But too much for my own good it cuts through.

It doesn't matter though.

Don't worry just go.

I'll get by.

Someday, maybe someday, it will intensify and I'll feel the grip in my hands.

So tight I hope marks will show.

But it won't cut cus I'm soft.

Perhaps too vulnerable, too soft.

But I believe it works this way.

Life.

Thats how you spell it.

L-I-F-E

It won't be that bad. For me it will be worse.

I'll prepare for more atomic bombs.

So that I won't get heart attacks.

Today is a "sian" day. I don't feel like doing anything!
But this has to go by tomorrow cus I have a billion and one things to do that I have left it on hold.
Like running 10k twice a week and doing my projects and doing disciple!
Arghhh I didn't know a girl can screw up your mind so much that you don't feel like doing anything. I wonder if she knows.
I always tell myself it's the right time! When is? seriously I need to know!
This time I'm not missing the train I gonna try everything I can. But not till the stage off desperation. It's more like slow and steady.

But I really enjoyed that day, it was magical haha yeah unbelievable right. I know
I can't really understand myself either. Not like you'll see this but Thank you.
I think I need a time off from all the church ministries and just have some quiet time with God and myself.
I have to get right with God. But how do you know when you're right with God?
What defines right?
Seriously I don't know. I need a mentor who is willing to walk closely with me.
I feel like I'm imposing on people sometimes when I pour my heart out to my DGL, CGL, Youth Leader. Just look to God I guess and give him the reins.

LOVE,
Xavier

Hey blog now I'm certain no one visits my bloggg !!! hahaha yay!!
Anyway, studying can be quite sian after awhile.
AND CRAP I'M ADDICTED TO FRINGE !
i must stop this!!
STUDY Xavier !

I think I'm being played la but it's okay focus on exams and you'll forget hahaha.
Can't wait to hang out with desmond and ervine!
i met ervine today !
I really hope he'll do really well for A levels!
But he's got D Uni A...
anyway gtg bye !

Before I forget I had good dinner with "Pastor" Robin and Luke Lim at Astons :)
We had guy talk and wow haha it was quite an inspiring time.

Fine.. I shouldn't use blogging as an excuse to rest. Do work now Xavier !

ciao blog

She should know that guys are visual and hands-on.
GIRLS should just be more aware of their body language and the way they dress.
Sounds traditional, but it's true, it's practical and most importantly it's biblical.

Just a random thought anyway. Cus apparently guys in Singapore are getting super desperate.

Quirky is the word.
I am so stressed right now, I want to drink a strawberry milkshake. haha

Are we egoistic, insensitive or just ignorant when say things like "oh what a small car you have" when we actually meant "what a cute car you have"
Or when "this guy/girl is stalking me" when they are just going your direction or looking at your direction.

Haha I don't even know how I started this blog.
Maybe, I need a life, or I just need an output since I don't really have friends to talk to.
Actually I do but I feel that they don't care sometimes or they just don't have the answers I want/need to hear.

I feel so legalistic, I judge, I diss and make comments. But I feel that it sets me apart from others.
I talk to myself all the time, thoughts like "it takes one day for me to be like you, but it will take more than one day for you to be like me"
"I am Jesus motivated, what about you?"

This kinda stuff floats in my mind when I see my friends clubbing, going for drinking parties, chasing after materials of the world.
I feel the constant need to remind myself not to be like them and it reaches to a point of being judgmental, legalism and most of the time gossip. (I try very hard to keep it to myself)

I think I'm addicted and I face the problem of judging the way people look, I'm visual man.
I find it so hard to change.
I need God.
I need Jesus.
But I'm not the quiet time kinda guy. I need to be that guy.
I have been taking God for a blessing machine.
I need prayers.
I need to be determined to change.
But how?
Read the bible....there is always a start for everything.
STOP.
Pray now.

There's this new girl in the block.
Crap I think she's hot.
I feel the need to walk away, I made a pact.
I should stop thinking.
She probably just feels comfortable with me and treats me like a friend, that's all.
I wanna run away. Study dude !!!

My week's been grwat other than the fact that my Great Grandmother just passed on at 10:17 this morning. And only my Aunt was there. I feel sad yet I'm not even tearing. I don't know what to feel.
She use to play with me when I was younger and she would advice me like how most grandmothers would.
It scares people to know how young my family is. She's 94 BTW.
Now that she's gone I will miss her for those times, her smile and the joy she brings by mispronouncing my name as "Radio" I don't know how it got there.
The only regret I have was not being able to share with her the gospel.
I won't make the same mistake and this time God.

I pray you will give me the courage and break the language barrier so that I can share the gospel with my grandparents while they are still alive and kicking!

Anyway back to school, I need to study. I must Force myself to study no matter what.
Put the chick aside and just focus mann.... It's still you btw...

God please give me the wisdom to discern and the heart to persevere through this last year.
Thank God for Pentecost Sunday and I pray that God you will bring revival to this land.
Amen.

I don't mind writing here cus I think people don't read blogs anymore, or mine at least :)

Yay ! I finally got the new Macbook pro. I just need cinnamon buns and I will be contented.
My mum sent her car to the workshop and they offered her to drive their temporary car for 4 days. The BEST thing is, they loaned her a TOYOTA WISH...
So yesterday was the official day I drove a SUV. Big stuff manzxzxz.
It has alot of road feedback but who cares it's a SUV!!

My life has been great so far. Just a few disappointments here and there but I think I'm fine.
I am just so confused right now.

I feel the need to run but I need motivation man. Otherwise it is 5k and I'm out for practically the week. See how lousy is my stamina.

School's school. Can't complain, Damien was right I chose the path now I have to walk it with no complains. Contentment.It's still you but I think I missed the boat. So forget it. Career first

I WANT the NEW MACBOOK PRO !!!
Let's see... A new car, some cash... Nah kidding
life is way bigger than those.
All I want is a farmhouse with an average family and some good friends
just out of city life. And live simple.

Do people still blog?

My blog is still around!
I'm waiting for psych to load up, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this.
Life is mundane, I feel stagnant.
I wonder if people still blog.

Do people still blog?