What is family? 

Recently, I've been learning alot more about that word. Its not about the advice, money or time they give you. Its the physical and mental space they give you. Regardless of time, money and advice. 

My brother decided not to come back to Singapore. At a time when I personally feel is the most crucial period of his life. And his main reason? He wants to get married. He tried so hard to justify it objectively, but there were just too many holes. Financially, he overestimates rent and overlooks CPF. He says he has guaranteed pay in Melbourne. But does he think he will fail with me and a whole group of friends who will support him? 

He justifies with opportunities and other auxillary reasons. But he is my brother. I know him. More than the girl he loves. And I am cock sure, he will ask for leniency on his loans or suppoprt when he has kids and all the burdens of life converge on him as he grows up. 

But he will never learn tenacity and grit of being his own man. He will instead be cushioned by a life of real estate, car, and holidays bought for his future wife. Which he so happens to be a part of. He will be beholden to the new family he forms. He will be alas. abandoning the very family that supported him. 

Heck, we knew he would leave us when he got together with the girl. slowly but surely. What of physical and mental presence of my brother to support and work together to rebuild something that we have lost? Nada. All but talk of hopes and dreams from a man who has not put in sweat and action for his family. 

Enough about him. 

Let's talk about my youngest sister-in-law. We knew she was always a weak-willed person. Someone who uses people to get what she wants from them. The satisfaction of knowing that she is needed. That her company is helpful.She makes you feel like she bought into the family's dream of building an empire. She spents coupious hours, days, and weeks with you and your business. 

But when she gets drained from the menial tasks that are so beneath her, she starts to ask co-workers around her whether this is what they want for the rest of their lives. Of course, they are gonna second guess the goals and dreams that I so carefully sold to them. Of course they are going to second guess their options. 

Especially when we are out running around building the business and they dont hear from us. Of course. Of course. They will... eventually leave. Because she spends more time on the ground. 

They will start to form serious prejudices against the other slower and mentally handicapped people. They form cliques to diss and talk about their performance in the guise of the "interest" of this business. How can we be more efficient if this guy is always so slow. Always small talking Part timers? Of course they will start to demand to have their shifts move away from this co worker. 

Of course, this "sister" will begin to look like the saviour of the business and "help" us rid off staff that are incapable. Of course, her version of how the business should move towards become her righteous drive to steer my business. And anything other than her ways will bring the business to failure. 

So one by one, they stop seeing my vision. Only my failure. 

I had to stem the rot and cut them like weed in the beautifu garden that was beginning to take shape. Suddenly, my botanical gardens felt the beating of a relentless thunderstorm. Cloudy, gloomy, and drenched in the negativity spread by this one person. 

Of course her intentions are good. But she doesnt see the shadow that she carries with her. So insidious, so destructive... My immediate reaction was to weed all of them out. 

And I did. People and I noticed that the coffee owner was spending his lunch hour and dinners with my "sister" in-law. I honestly didn't noticed until they asked. So we decided to weed out these people. Infected by her seemlingly good intentions. 

Right now, I'm raging, because never again. Never will I allow such destructive, draining, deceitful, and conniving people in my life. 

The whole situation with my parents hadn't taught me enough. It took 2 more "family" members to teach me a lesson, perhaps a third person, the person whom I'm supposedly united with. I no longer understand her, I can't tell if she is on my side anymore. 

I can trust no one. The betrayal by my parents, brother and this "sister" in-law is too great. Never again. Never will I give them even a strand of my hair. NO emotions, no more mental capacity, no more money, no more love for them. They don't deserve it. Focus on the people who matters, H and my sisters only. No more. Because tonight, I make a stand. I stand with those who bled with me and stood by me while I bled. 

Jesus says to love all. But I need forgiveness because all the love I can give now are these people. I have no more love to give, I am numb to friends, relatives, strangers and people who have betrayed me. 

All I can rely on now is Jesus, the life giver. To extend that much grace to me, because I honestly am empty on grace to give to others. With what little I have, I now give to family. 

Addition and musings

So it's been exactly a year and 2 months since I wrote, it has been a pretty interesting year to say the least.

C and I went from being a married couple to a family of 3. We welcomed our daughter on 8 November 2018 at 10.25 pm. It was one of the wildest roller coaster rides of my life. In a span of 8 hours, we went from excitement to anticipation, anxiety to fear, excitement to anticipation again, then intense stress over decisions to make. Back to fear, and a full circle to excitement and joy.

Tears of joy just flowed as I saw my baby in front of me. It was a moment of pure joy. I have never felt that in my life. I waited with bated breath while holding on to our daughter as our doctor treated my wife. WHAT JOY and COMFORT it brings knowing that both mother and child are safe and sound.

Our families waited at the ward through 1 am while screaming with excitement for the baby.

What happened the next few months were a blur.

1. We shifted our house.

2. C got into a grad-med programme in Australia and we had to plan for the relocation in 3 months. Visa, logistics mostly for the baby, house and car search. Booked our air tickets and airbnb.

3. The businesses were ramping up for end of year bookings.

4. Celebration and farewell meet ups with friends.

5. And of course maximum rest and recuperation for Carissa.

Thomson Medical Centre does confinement food catering and we bought a 28 day package. It was such a life saver. No need for nannies to cook for us or change the baby's diapers. We spent a total of 1.7k  for the package. They gave us such big portions that I normally take her leftovers.

Anyway, wow, H is now 7.5 months old and we are enjoying every single moment with her. There are times where I got impatient with her in the middle of the night and while working in the day because she needs alot of attention. but the joy and pride she gives you really helps us to stay sane.

Anyway, we had trouble getting her to sleep on the bed by herself. But we have recently bought her a baby hammock with springs so we dont have to bounce her. This worked really well. Cus we started to put her down and she has been going for 1 hour naps.

Next, we need to train her to sleep on her own mattress at night.

And just got news that our new rental application has been approved. Can't wait to stay there and see what it's like.

Friends or family?

Family. Always.

Given the situation at home and having to work my ass off to survive with no mountain to fall back on, I better sacrifice my friends to survive.

With that note.

I've been thinking bigger. Ways to integrate Cohesion into my business plans. Ways to solidify the 2 brands that Ian and I have developed. But how? Solid investments are needed.

Friends come and go. Only the ones who'll stick with you through the bad times are worth the while.

I'm a friend who'll talk shit and throw truth bombs at the same time. Calling spade a spade is my forte. I am a problem solver. Tell me your problems and I'll ask permission to help you. The closer we are, the more obligation and motivation I'll feel. I'll go all out.

If no help is needed I'll stay at the sidelines and remind you that I'm here.

I'll ask you if it is urgent, if you say its not I'll take your word for it. Dont say the opposite of what you mean. I'm real just like that. And I expect my close friends to be like that because birds of the same feather flock together.

Period.

Migrating

I am really quite convinced...

The way of life here is just so different.

Everyone is polite and friendly.

House, Car and Landscape here is amazing.

Fish at the countless jetties and have wine every weekend.

Visit the farmer's market.

Climb the countless peaks.

Road trip to other states for a holiday.

Lastly, it's further from my problems back in Singapore.

Did I mention the weather here? Only 2 months of summer and the rest is cold !

Yes, tax and healthcare here may not be the best.

But the education system here is pretty good.

Can't wait to shift over here really...

Annoyed but Understandable

RANT POST

Since there is no one I can really rant to, I will rant here.

I was talking to my BFF about Oscar's study funding. Then I said he asked me a few times about how we are going to fund the next few years. Granted that I don't always remember things well. I think I am quite good with money. And I am very sure that I have spoken to him about this before. Whenever I am highly stressed I will rant to him. There was a drinking session that we had that he asked. That was when Oscar first decided to go and we were by my condo pool.

The other time was the dessert, yes I was annoyed and I showed him some attitude and was fierce with him. But I still explained how. I said end of the day really cannot we take bank loan. I was annoyed because he asked it in a tone as though I was a kid.

He is good and reading people, I admit. But unfortunately, he sometimes can read himself. And to add on to that, he tried to ask if he can back out of the bacholerette party. (if he didnt mean that, I felt that way man.) I thought we are all in this together.

He knows that my wife wanted a party because her friends are not as close to her as mine and she felt left out. Since he can read people so well, he already know why I am doing it but he still ask and ask and askkk WTF. Of course I will get angry. Come on. I am already filled with stress.

Not to belittle your stress and your own concerns. But my stress is Fucking real. If I don't earn money, where are we (wife+siblings) going to stay ? What are we going to eat ? Your concerns are real too ! But you dont have to live on the streets and eat bread or nothing at all. Because you will never run out of support !

You dont even have to fucking beg for it. I HAVE TO on the other hand. It's not my fucking fault that you're in denial. You want me to listen to your advice, but you dont even fucking take mine. Thats why nowadays I just listen, I don't give advice anymore.

Sorry for all the vulgarities. But really. Need. to. RANT.

He is not a christian, but he has a holier than thou attitude. Very chauvinistic. He thinks he is always right. He thinks that his philosophy is the way. Yeah be responsible and accountable for everything you say and do. But when you judge others according to how you judge yourself, you will be very disappointed man. The world is full of hypocrites and procrastinators. It is a cycle. People pull their socks up and then they need to rest.

Sometimes I feel like a collector's item, like he is friends with me to brag about how much connection he has with everybody. I mean that's great. BUT NO we are not your items, we don't BELONG to you. NOBODY BELONGS TO YOU. You don't get to be proud and own shit when you "THINK" that you convinced someone to be a non-christian. Or when people "LOOK LIKE" they are "FOLLOWING YOU". NO. BIG NO. That's where your mistake is.  

I will be alright after this. And I won't blame him because he is going through some terrible shit. He is still my BFF, but sometimes I don't know how to tell him all these things. He is already not in the best place in life and sometimes I think that talking like this to him does not help because of 2 reasons.

1. He is dam fucking stubborn and that's born from his fucking hugely inflated ego.
2. He is slipping in and out of depression.

I tried to help to refer to him to counsellors by searching online for NEUTRAL (NON-Christian) counsellors. But thats all. I can bring the horse to the river, its up to the horse to drink.

That's if the horse thinks that it is thirsty.

BUT FUCK MAN.

LIFE IS TOUGH.  

Lonely

Loneliness is when you have no one showing you empathy.

Loneliness is when you have to put up a front no matter what so that your loved ones will continue to face the future with certainty.

Loneliness is when no one understands what you're going thru.

Loneliness is knowing that no one else understands and so you don't want to impose on them or burden them with that thought that they don't know what to say or do.

Worried about the funds that Oscar is getting. We are thankful for the 2 main sponsors. But it is not enough.

Camellia knows that it is not enough for her as well and fighting both fronts at the same time is impossible.

I don't want to disappoint her. I want her to pursue whatever she wants to do. But how? Please help.

Carissa knows that I have to help my siblings. She knows that I have huge responsibilities on my shoulders. She wants a house that we can call our own. She wants to spend time with me. 

I don't want to disappoint her. I want her to be worry free. I want her to do what she wants. But how?

Carolene have ambitions. But she is tied down like me. We want to be free and independent. But we can't. Not now. Not till we are mid thirties.

Who can understand me?

No one.

Who can listen to me?

No one.

Who can help me?

No one but God.

So help me God.

Help me be who You want me to be.

Tiresome

So, today ended badly.

Was supposed to attend a church camp meeting. But I had to miss it cus the Wife's aunt was flying. Thought we would be done by 9.15 latest because flight is at 1045. But they went in at 9.55pm.

Got another surprise. Was supposed to surprise a friend for her birthday. Was supposed to be in SGH and just drop medication but Carissa's dad texted and wanted us to go up. Stayed till 10.50.

So P and D got pissed naturally. And I understand.

The wife knew and now I am fighting with her to defend my friends on why they have every right to be pissed. So I ended up on Holland Road of course to walk my way in to Birthday girl's house. Cus I couldn't find myself a cab and uber was taking eons to arrive. Cancelled twice....

But that's alright. I thought my friends will understand even after the text, but you know what ? They sat on their cushy chairs being petty pissed at me without even hearing me out of course I felt their sarcasm in the group chat.

They told me that I wasn't communicating with them enough so they have the pass to be pissed with me. While I understand that they will feel this way, I think they could be more understanding.

I tend to want to please everybody till I shortchanged myself. Now my wife doesn't want to talk to me and I just hate it that generally people, are pissed at me.

In some sense I am like my mum. Not in a monetary sense but more of an emotional sense. I have so many social circles that I disappoint some and over deliver in other circles. I try to have the best of both worlds to maximise my time with them.

I would then occasionally, disappoint the ones I used to over deliver with and hang out with those whom I previously disappoint.

Scooping sand on one side to fill a hole while causing another hole to appear....

I am quite tired and I want to keep to myself. But I cannot keep still man. If my calendar is empty, I will want to fill it up.

When I slow down, I think that I am a good for nothing.

I would understand if other social circles don't understand. But if my closest friends can't over extend themselves to understand then I think we would stop short at just being friends.

Like for B, he is not that high maintenance. I like it. He is where we left off the last time. He understands that I am busy and that sometimes I don't reply because I need a break. AND most importantly he hears me out and bitch about me to my face.

We both apologise to each other when we're wrong. I think that's the way to go. Not throw shit and make each other stress. We TRUST each other to not take advantage of each other and even if we did take it for granted that we have each other, we TRUST that it is for a good reason and wait.

But no, my supposed best friends threw mud at me tonight. They might not have done it intentionally, but I sure felt like mud was slapping my face.

Anyway, I texted them and they have apologised. And I did too for not informing them.

Carissa's grandma (dad's side) is stable now (thanks for asking). The family is not close to her, therefore I factored that into the time estimation but, it turned out we were not dropping by and we were actually visiting her.... Can I say no?

What the actual EFFFFFFFFF... Still quite disappointed to know that my close friends can't trust and wait for my explanation...    

Uncomfortable. Pride. We caused it.

Been in a discussion with my Best friend on how he is uncomfortable with certain people inside and outside of our common social circle.

I feel that it is a self imposed feeling.

There are times when I feel particularly uncomfortable and disturbed when people start making over sexualised innuendos or gossip. But I managed to change the topic and guide it according to the way I wanted it. And I am going to share some practical and proven steps that I take to achieve that:

STEP 1:  Target the person's favorite subject matter.

When someone asks you about your vocation, it is usually to find out your interests. When all else fails, talk about the teambuilding sessions that the company has and discuss about them. E.g, Laser tag vs Terrarium building.

STEP 2: Find out about family.

Talk about ideals and what growing up was like, ask leading questions like, "what are some of the most memorable things you've done with your family." Look at their facial expressions and you'll roughly figure out if he is a family guy. You will get a clue if he is sentimental.

STEP 3: Ask about holiday destinations and the most memorable trip.

This will reveal the most about a persons interest and what he typically likes to do. It could be a range of things from shopping, talking to people (it will be obvious cus they will talk alot), hiking, staying in the hotel, backpacking etc...

Don't ever give anybody the excuse that they cannot click with you. There more things to life than difference in religion, tongue and ideals. It is because you have become a stubborn conservative that prevents you from stepping out of your comfort zone.

I realised that as people we like to label and feel safe in our own comfort zone and throw stones at glasshouses without realising that we are glasshouses ourselves.

There is a greater downside to pride. You want to own things and you want things to turn out the way you want to. If it doesn't turn out the way you want it, you get depressed and sad that you cannot control things and people.

When people figure out who you are they will leave you. Because people don't like to be owned.

My mantle is to love people. Yes I bitch about them sometimes. But I force myself to love because I am called to love people no matter what.

Stay humble. Stay cool. Turn down pride. It destroys people.

18Pride goes before destruction,

a haughty spirit before a fall.
Proverbs 16:18

Pride comes before the fall. 

A poor man will always make poor choices

When you're poor, you're forced to make poor choices. Because the options given are always limited.

Its always between the 2 evils or a few...

Sometimes. I feel that I'm dealt with these cards so that I can understand poormen better and let them know that it is not the end of this world.

A rich man will never know what a poor man struggles with and vice versa. To know how strong a person is, give hik a terrible backstory and takeaway his creature comforts (car, house, money).

Make him work as a service staff... but if one is born with resources to go thru school without debt, one would never be able to go through such a humbling experience and soften ones heart.

How then will one know what it is like to be thankful and then show gratitude? I suspect that one would never know till one goes through something that humbling.

But I believe that God knows the strength of His people and will not put them through experiences that they cannot handle. Therefore, one is "compensated" with wealth and a terrible back story or vice versa.

I believe that life is about balance and we need to try our best to be as sensitve as possible to do what needs to be done and what needs to be said.

It's CNY and I am so dam happy to be spending this CNY with my beloved siblings and wife.

Yes, Wife.

I love her to bits. She challenges me to be a better human than yesterday. Also, did I mention before that I am married to a super hot babe ? Hear it from me again.

My wife is super hot.

Cray times, cray people.

I am back online.

So a lot has happened the past year. We realised that our grandparents gave their all for our family. They literally did. They sold our house and gave all their life savings to my parents to "sustain" the business. But it's actually for gambling.

I shifted out with my siblings in September, staying in a 1.5k sqft apartment for 2k/mth. Cheaper than a 4 room HDB. The best part, don't have to pay for parking and I get amenities like swimming pool and gym.

We have learnt so many things. We have learnt how to wait and discern for God to show us the way. It is not like a bright green arrow that guides us there. It is more like a gentle nudge and an assurance (peace, zen) that we have made the right choice.

Os took a major step. We prayed and we said if we managed to raise money for his 1st year of dentistry then he will proceed to study Dentistry in Adelaide and drop Physio in SIT. Lo and Behold, we did. He also managed to find a 100/week rental 20 minutes walk away from school. Praise the Lord.

I have never been so sure about God in the past 25 years of my life. We struggled, we had to still make difficult choices. But we came out stronger. And we continue to grow and learn.

In other news..............

I got married on 7th of January 2016!!!!!

Its a bittersweet feeling. Couldn't invite my parents for various reasons. It drove a nail to my heart. But I had to do it for the sake of my wife and my siblings. We had to dissociate for our future. We will definitely want some form of reconciliation. But it will be when my siblings have graduated from Uni and are more stable in life.

On a happier note, I am so blessed to have so many friends who are looking out for me. My bridal party is a testimony to that. My Bestman who is my bestfriend in life showed me how much he is willing to put his neck out for me. In an all christian setting and with a few friends that he don't normally hangout with, he created conversations with them and made me feel comfortable for him.

I was super worried that he won't be able to take it. But he handled it so well. The bridesmaids were all very happy with him. My extended relatives were happy for me that I have a someone whom I can call a true friend, a comforter and a super good advisor.

Although he is not Christian, I pray that he is secretly. Because unlike other people, who will beat their chests and call themselves christians but have no substance, my bestfriend will not boast and make empty promises. I want to see him in Heaven with me and my family. He is really a good guy and I hope he will find a nice girl that will not give him any problems because he has enough on his plate as well. But knowing him, he is one who will never back down from a challenge. Unique things catches his eyes, so it won't be a surprise if the girl he falls for will be another challenge.

He might have the physique and mental strength to overcome challenges, but he is still a squishy heart inside with soft sides of him. Well he cried badly during my wedding. And we both know deep inside we connect really well and we know each other through and through. That's also why we hate each other and sometimes we can be abrasive against each other.

This holiday, I also got closer to Cheng, she is having a huge battle within herself to change for the better to keep the good values and reject the values that are not worth holding on to. I only have 2 words for her. Struggle on. She is not the person people make her out to be. And if only people will get to know her better. If only she allow mentors to speak into her life and refine her in that process, she will be a powerful individual with strong convictions and the boldness to speak them. Looking forward to feast with her.

Well now we have an even bigger headache after Os's overseas decision. We have a housing issue. It is not wise to continue paying for rent. So we are looking at the Bukit Batok Estate behind Hillview. It is 4 bus stops away from Hillview MRT and 3 bus stops away from Bukit Batok MRT :)

We just hope that we can go as low as 380k to make it a fair deal. Car and I will be able to afford then.

The next decision is whether Cami should go for law in Murdoch Uni. Thats 160k for 3 years. Something that is not too tough to raise but we will need the funds for Oscar.

Dear Lord, now I know why a simple and an impossible idea can prosper. There is so much things we have to pay for and it's only one tiny Xavier Chng. But proverbs says that He uses the weak to shame the strong and the poor to shame the rich. I pray that the path of humility is something that I will continue to take. Eating the humble pie can't be that bad since I love eating.

As for my wife. My lovely wife. I cannot begin to even write in words how much she means to me. How thankful I am for her. The random hugs and notes I get from her can just light up a dull/bad day. Sometimes I wish I don't have to work so that I can lie on her lap and read a good book the forever.

She has this sinus problem. She will get multiple ulcers in her mouth like 15-20 ulcers (i kid you not) before her period and her nose will start dripping like an open tap. That's when you know that her period is coming in a week's time.

I feel her pain and I see her cry and weep whenever it hits her bad. I feel like shit because I don't know what to do. She will be seeing a specialist soon and I hope that it will help. I'll make her hot tea and switch on the air purifier because those are the only things I know for sure that will make her feel better but not for long. HELP. I feel so pissed off that she can't be healed.

And to my partner Ian. The most patient man on earth. I don't know how he does it man. haha To more years of money making ahead. Very super materialistic and money minded now because I need the money at this point in time.

Help.

Hey,

Found a pocket of time to do a quick rundown of what's happening. Got to expand the company to a sizable revenue that allows us to look into other activities. Pretty exciting. Partner is fantastic. He did the website and it looks massive. He is such a techie.

He managed to create a blog as well and we are trying to post interesting content up there to gain free marketing for the company. What a genius.

I feel quite inferior when I'm with him sometimes. He is younger, smarter and he picks things up really fast. The money he earns from the company is ploughed into other ventures. No wonder Paul didn't want to get married. You have the bandwidth and time to maneuver. But I doubt I'll be as hardworking as he is if I'm still single.

I am really careless and absent minded. I don't know what is happening to me. It's like I ran out of drive and I have an employee mentality. I don't think as critically as before or as much as I want to.

I also feel that I am restless, without aim, I think I am the kind that needs someone to remind me that I am getting married, and the next goal is to provide for my wife and my family. Whatever that means now. So I am focused on providing financial and emotional stability.    

But I felt really inferior to my partner. And that's not a good sign. I need to continue reading to improve myself all the time.

Anyway, I am quite excited for the wedding next year and I am looking forward to start a new life. Really can't wait.

Ciao

Taught a lesson on Faith and washing of feet.
Found some guides online and put together those lessons to form 1 topic.
We are currently on a topical devotional material so it can be very abstract and hard to grasp at their level. I have tried my best to create an inclusive lesson for the Sec 1-3's to grasp.
It is quite tough because you have to stimulate their minds on all levels. Therefore, it usually takes about 45 to an hour for me to cover the topic. It is very challenging.

But I find it very fulfilling and addictive to prepare for such lessons. Cus it strengthens what I know and I have been running on a low tank of faith for very long. So it encourages me to read the bible and grow in areas that I have been stagnated.

Currently I'm trying think of a topic to touch on so that it will link back to the previous topics. This will help me them to conceptually grasp what I am talking about and also help them to build on their bible knowledge.

A lot of them have a good foundation from their church and Sunday School and what I feel I should do is to reinforce such teachings. I still can't see myself as a teacher. I am basically conveying and rearranging lessons that have been taught before to present it and share it. That's all.

2 topics come to mind.
1) Faith, Hope and Love. The 3 greatest fruits. We can take a look at hope. Cus it comes after faith.
or
2) Faith lesson 2. We can go in deeper and learn more about faith. And establish the faith of our forefathers, parents and even the apostles.

I prefer the 2nd option because it is very hard to believe in something that I cannot see and hear from everyday. The bible needs to be alive for them. What is one thing that will help me keep my faith intact? Something that can be a constant in my life, the moment I look at it, I remember God's help in my times of need.

Should I go deeper into apologetics? So that when they are shaken they can use this to stump the world that tries to shake their belief or should I enter into personal experience which will be quite subjective and not everyone will be able to understand? So what direction should I take?

This is yet to be revealed but I think after typing this out I am more certain about the direction. I don't want to waste their time. I want to take home something. I want them to be able to talk about it with their parents and ask their parents for a story that they can call their own family's faith journey.

We can use borrowed faith for now because we are still young and most of us don't have the experience with God yet. That said, age is not a factor for faith. But if we do not have or own a life changing experience yet, we can ask our parents for a personal story.

"What made them believe in God?"
"What is one experience that they will always use when they want to come back to God?"

This will help them create valuable dinner table conversations rather than the usual result oriented talks and the surface how is life in school talk. And when there is nothing to say they revert to their default and use their phones instead.

Okay, that's all I have for now. But I hope I am useful. I doubt myself alot haha. Need alot of reassurance from my friends... But....nvm... haha.

Recently, I've been really crazy busy.
I'll be flying off to Hong Kong in a couple of days.
I honestly don't know what I am supposed to do as a bestman.

Organise a STAG party?
Say a few words?

We don't have a car in Hong Kong so we might have to take the public transport for the stag party which is quite lame....

Anyway, I know what to say for my speech, I just don't know when to say.
It's pretty strange, cus I have not been hanging out with them.

But exams are coming and its straight after I come back from Hong Kong.
My brains can no longer take this kind of shocks anymore. HAAAALP.

First it was YAM and I had to take a ferry back halfway just to take my papers.
and now THIS.
I think I just like the feeling of a busy life....Zzzzz
Flying back on the 11th, 12-14 are my exam dates. Woohoooo. Onward!

Anyway, I was quite upset that I was not invited to my friend's wedding, both of whom are my friends. I knew the girl since sec 1 and we kinds grew up together till like she was JC2. We went on mission trips to Chiang Mai every year. Quite sad. I knew the guy since sec 3 when he joined our cell.

Yeah we kinda drifted and stopped talking to each other, but she used to ask about me when I was in church and we used to catch up. But she stopped when she got together with this guy... haha strange but nvm lah. People change ? Or maybe they are just too tired to interact anymore.

Saded. BUT I'm super happy for them ! They finally got married ! And they are gonna have beautiful kids hahaha ! So a hidden congrats to them !

I don't know who still read this but I saw my childhood (sec 3) sweetheart counted right? Anyway, things are weird haha, like we still can't talk normally. Why. And it's weird. But I'll try to normalise things when I get the chance to. Anyway, really happy that she found someone who is pretty stable in terms of emotions and doing life in general. I hope it works out for them. They seem genuinely happy together. And this guy is quite meticulous and romantic lah, so dreamy haha...

I can't believe that I still have the time to blog. 3 theory papers coming up. I hope to score at least distinctions. I got super distracted this sem and I only hope that whatever revision I do now will be retained in my brains.

To the people who know me, I have a bad memory.

Updates on Bubble Soccer Singapore. Quite upset with Singapore law. My direct competitors bought similar domains and confused the market with it. Honestly I'm super pissed. What can I do ?
SGNIC replied to say that I must pay about 2.9k to LODGE a dispute. WHAT?!?

So can I recover this cost when it is ruled that they are in the wrong ?
But I must upfront this fee first....
And they paid for SEO lol. We paid for an inhouse SEO which does not cost a bomb obviously.

Just got asked by a friend to join his accounting firm to be a paperwork warrior....
And potentially a partner in future.
Question is, Big Four or this?
Flexibility vs Overtime.

But one have to work like a dog no matter what.
If I work for my friend I will be able to continue with my business and do accounting at the same time.

If I don't...Zzzz.... But I get to climb the ladder and have a fixed path for life already...
But with no work life balance for the first 10 years. Dilemma.

Okay gotta go!

ciao.

========================================================================
Just one short publicity stunt.
www.Bubblesoccer.sg
This is pretty much what I do for the business. I conduct teambuilding activities and make sure that my customers have loads of fun bumping and rolling around.
It is super safe. You don't have to worry about a soccer ball flying to your nuts or face (if you don't have nuts).

Anyway, thanks for all the support you guys have been showing.

SPH Family Day at Sentosa

JTC Fitness Day at Woodlands Stadium

Event at OFFSIDE 

Oil Tanking Management Staff Teambuilding at Sentosa

Some Ang Moh kids

Teambuilding at OFFSIDE

Have been so busy lately.

I need another break soon.

These are my current commitments:

1. Making Money

• Bubble Soccer
• Forex
• Starting another business soon.

2. Boys' Brigade

• Upkeep the boys badges
• Remember their birthdays
• Worship

3. Young Adults' Ministry

• YAM Retreat 2015 (BATAM)
• Plan for Monthly Takeouts (Food/Worship/Slides Clicker/Laptop)
• Get ready for the end year party or new year party
• Check out Hotels for next year's retreat

4. Carissa

• Fetching her to and fro MCAT
• Spend time listening to her
• Encourage her not to give up her dreams
• Plan for a future with her. To move over to Australia and watch her complete her dream goals.

5. Friends

• Going on outings at least Bi-monthly
• Find my good friend a good Christian girlfriend even though he is not Christian, but he is more Christian than most of us and I hope one day he will see that there is only one God. I can't give all the answers, but God is not cruel, it is the people that He created who are the cruel ones. I hope God finds Him and show Him something miraculous  and he won't be so sceptical and turn a blind eye on that obvious miracle.

6. School

• Assignments
• Exams on 12/13/14 AUG (I'm not sure if I can still do the best man thing. But share load with Choo lah so maybe not so taxing hahahaha. I still think Choo should take up the role. He already do so much for them.... wah lau.)
• Bridging exam this Saturday... Die.
• Report submission this Friday.

School is the least of my concerns now because I have to live life to the fullest. While it is not nice to fail, I feel that going to school is only essential for equipping. As long as I have internalised the various concepts that was taught and it is shown through the way I live my life, I think it has served it's purpose already. To be so caught up in paper chase and then risk losing the golden years of my life, it's not worth it. But I must graduate.

CS LEWIS

Having a bad time right now because, I made the mistake of thinking I can be better than people or even God himself. Was in the toilet when I picked up the book "Mere Christianity" by C.S Lewis.

It was mind changing. I hope I will remember this for the rest of my life.
CS Lewis was on the topic of cardinal virtues. And the part that caught me was from page 79-81 of the book.

Let me take a few parts here and there.

"Someone who is not a good tennis player may now and then take a good shot. What yo mean by a good player is a man.......have been so trained by making innumerable good shots that they now can be relied on. They have a certain tone or quality which is there even when he is not playing. 

Just as a mathematician's mind has a certain habit and outlook which is there even when he is not doing mathematics. In the same way a man who perseveres in doing just actions gets in the end a certain quality of character. Now it is that quality rather than the particular actions which we mean when we talk of a 'virtue.' 

This distinction is important for the following reason. If we though only of the particular actions we might encourage three wrong ideas."

1)Right actions can be done for the wrong reasons. If done with the wrong reason, it does not help to build an internal quality or character called the virtue. The tennis player can hit a winning stroke in anger by luck, but it will not help him to be a reliable person.

2) We might think that God wanted simply obedience to a set of rules: whereas He really wants people of a particular sort.

3) We might think that virtues are only necessary for this present life.

The point us not that God will refuse you admission to His eternal world if you have not got certain qualities of character, the point is that if people had not got at least the beginning of those qualities inside them, then no possible external conditions could make a Heaven for them.

That is, could make them happy with the deep, strong, unshakable kind of happiness God intends for us.

I think the words itself are enough for us to think about the kind of person we want to become. I am struggling with this now. I portray a good image of myself. But i always question myself. "Am I really like that?"

I don't know if God calls me home now, that I will be able to enjoy the things in heaven, the relationships that might be made in heaven.

There's this parable of the people who went to heaven but told God that they want to go to hell cus they cannot take what is in heaven. I pray that I will be moulded and I won't be like the people who asked God to send them to hell because they can't take heaven.

This blog is really good. No one comes except for me. And even if people came, they are the ones who don't know who I am.

Ciaoz gotta study for my second test. Hope I don't fail. 

It has been a long while.

After a crazy roller coaster of things happening here and there. Bubble Soccer, very rarely Laser Tag. Back at Boys' Brigade. Serving at the Young Adults Ministry at Barker. Exams are coming up in 1 month's time. Tests are next week. Tough stuff. 

The uncertainty of going to New Zealand with the fiance is starting to make me think. So many things going on with so little time. And the worse thing is I'm probably going into another business that will limit my time even more. 

Sometimes it's so crazy I just stop and listen to John Mayer and stare into space. 

I can't stop the ministries given to me. They are largely BB and YAM. I can forgo all others but not these 2. Still recovering from the lousy devotions I did with the last parade. Could've done better. But I hope they get the message. It is true that the crowd in schools nowadays need more to excite them. But how to do that without diluting the message? I don't know. 

Siblings are going overseas. Next week my youngest sis the baby of the family is leaving us for foundational studies in Trinity College at Melbourne. She will be gone for at least 4 years together with my other sister in Perth. Oscar will be gone for 5 years next year to Adelaide for Dentistry. 

The house will be empty, it's crazy. I'll be as good as the only child. That's not my greatest worry. My greatest worry is that Mum and Dad may not be able to keep up with the finances. I might need to work harder. Sometimes you don't know how much more you can push yourself you know? 

But thank God the money from the government grants for my business is in. We can use it to expand our business and possibly earn more money. 

My last worry is my really good friend. Been praying for him since Poly year 1. 

I just hope a miracle happens. I don't know what I can do to make life a little teeny bit better. 

I hope he finds really good mature friends who will give him sound advice (not that I am, I just listen tbh. I don't do much.) 

People go through bad patches in life but when yours start at a very young age and you are forced to rely on yourself, you tend to have a very different thinking. Mostly individualistic behaviour because there are trust issues and the thinking that no one will ever back you up but yourself. 

I think I was not really there for him in the first place. Not even sure if he deems me as his best friend. But he is mine. lol. He gives one of the best advices and support IMO. Most times better than my churchies but people grow up eventually. 

But you know, life is such that you have to be vulnerable to people before they open up to you and trust you. And one day we need to rely on each other's support to survive in this dark dark world. I wish I was a kid again. I remember not so long ago when I was P6 that I thought to myself, how good if life can always be this way. But life is about growing up and not letting our past shadow what we do now. Heroes don't talk about their past. 

I just pray that somehow Jesus reveals himself to this close friend of mine, in whatever way I don't know. I definitely know that its not because I prayed or talked to him that he will come to know Christ but it's truly from the deepest recess of His heart that he feels Christ showing him love and comfort. 

And 30 years down the road I want us to be sitting at some BBQ party talking about the days of the past and doing the same ministry and that is to continue to help others. Even if he doesn't believe, his fire to help the less fortunate will always burn for the right reasons. 

Anyway, run the good race and fight the good fight, win or lose, just do it and see where it gets us. 

Press on. (talking to myself since no one reads this.) 

Blessing in disguise that this blog is dead. lol. 

#returnourCPF is a trap.

Yes, most Singaporeans are asset rich with limited liquidity. But we can't just listen to one side and conclude. Yet most of us do because that is a convenient thing to do. Ride on the wave of intellects and you'll never go wrong. As long a a person sounds smart while going against the government, we will support him. Really? Are we that shallow?

I remember some time back before my grandparents became followers of Christ. They gave me all sorts of ridiculous stories heard from friends. All sorts of questions about why christians behave badly even after getting baptised. All it takes was one question. "Have you personally accepted Jesus as your Lord and walk a blameless life according to what is written in the bible?" In short, "did you give Jesus a chance?"

It took awhile for this question to sink into them and search the recesses of their hearts before they were willing to give Jesus a try. Maybe I have just turned you off with a religious example. But I hope you will be patient with me.

In the same way, have we done enough research on our own to say the truth for once? (reading alternative news is not a fair source BTW. No one should be able to convince you. No one but FACTS.) How do you know for sure that what ROY and HHH have presented are facts? I am not saying he is a liar. I am asking whether you can confirm it.

One thing I notice about people is people are rationale beings. They think and they plan for a future in their lives. However, circumstances has it that they have no choice but to spend and sometimes even empty their savings. There are tons of these persons when you visit rental flats and homes. These are truly the marginalised. But I don't see them actively participating in going against the government. In fact, they work hard and encourage their kids to work hard to escape the cycle.

Most of these people flaming the government. Now what sort of agenda do you think they have? They try to fan the flames with unsupported allegations. They tried to be "accountable" for the public monies raised but have they been transparent? Rather than saving this money, their supporters donate what limited resources they have to fund the lives of Roy and HHH. (they are jobless)

I am not an avid supporter of PAP policies especially the educational policies that are in place. But even this is starting to change. I digress.

Coming back  to the point of why #returnourCPF movement is a trap. Many of us know the income inequality GAP that is widening in Singapore. However, we need to see the facts. When we release the floodgates of CPF monies. Do you honestly think that people with ZERO financial knowledge will handle it well and retire well?

We have a few examples of how the old folks are easily cheated by forces that is not within our control.

Can Roy and HHH support you financially when you have spent all your CPF monies "wisely" and retire as a pauper? I believe they will be the first one to disappear.

Who will have to support you? The government.

With who's money? Taxpayers money.

How can we provide for the sudden increase of poverty? Raise taxes.

Who will be unhappy? The people who have worked very hard for a better life. And this is when the incumbent would have fallen into a trap. But no I believe we have smart people who will do their job with due diligence.

Who will benefit the most? No one. Even Roy and HHH they are jobless and they rely on the "poor" remember?

When their ploy unfolds, do you think they will still receive funding? No. they will have to work their way up. Back to square one.

It is easy for us to say that we will be able to handle our own affairs. But the government is having a hard time as well. They are facing the numbers everyday. The question is what can you a citizen of Singapore do to help? Talk is cheap.

Why don't they give you 15k a month to do their job and let the public scrutinise your life? Would you like that?

There is also wisdom in steering clear of Roy and HHH. That is essentially one of the wisest thing the opposition parties have done.

I'm one ranting.

Back to working hard.

Ciaoz

"Brainstorming is a group or individual creativity technique by which efforts are made to find a conclusion for a specific problem by gathering a list of ideas spontaneously contributed by its member(s). The term was popularized by Alex Faickney Osborn in the 1963 book Applied Imagination. Osborn claimed that brainstorming was more effective than individuals working alone in generating ideas, although more recent research has questioned this conclusion.^[1] Today, the term is used as a catch all for all group ideationsessions." -Wikipedia

Oh really?

So I told someone about my business plans and I was berated with, I got a bad feeling. 

I said join us for discussions. 

"NO!" the person shot back. 

I said okay, so how should we look at it. 

"Don't collaborate with them!"

I said okay then we just meet up to make sure that we know how to lay the foundation for the industry, no agreements will be made to split profit. We'll go our own separate ways. 

"I told you already, not to do these things, focus on your studies." 

But that's why I'm selling my company and passing my responsibilities on to someone else. 

More irrational screaming. 

I am at a loss. Not knowing what to do. I shouted and I kept repeating my point that nothing is cast into stone. I just wanted to hear your opinion. Not you screaming about how I didn't listen to you and how you're always right... 

I sped home and almost got into a fight with a cabbie. We go to the road shoulder and I saw his car camera. Not wanting to be famous overnight. I drove away. I am so tired. 

Enough... its enough...

I am tired. 

I supported your dreams even when people around you cast so much doubt and fear. Even when you started to doubt yourself. I said go. I encouraged you. Not to study but to go for your dreams. That in the process requires you to study. 

But for me, I am expected to study just like you in order to do what I like and what I want. 

But I went a step further. I am tapering down my responsibilities already. But no. Not enough. You just keep pushing me. I've decided to sell everything. 

Haven't had my lunch and it still hurts deeply (no link I know). The person you were so vulnerable with, whom you trusted the most stabbed you. But it feels as though a thousand knives went through me. It's crazy. 

I will not allow history to repeat. 

Recently, I haven't had much time cus of NS and my lack of drive to do anything is killing me slowly. I've become a lazy person who stays at home and sleep or watch TV serials whenever I have the time. I lost almost all my forex money 3k odd in all. I'm still deciding if I should go back and pump more money in it. This is very bad... I have a lack of funds to do anything I want to do. I refuse to get it from my Parents, cus I have too much pride. I refuse to borrow money. I have no more avenues. I need to earn some cash. Right now, I only have the business to lean on. BUT... I have my doubts on my partner. It is really disappointing to know that he is still in the dilly dally life. He may have achieved quite a few things. But that is only because he ORDed already. I'm going to ORD soon and I'm gonna do so much more. I have big plans. Burning passion to see growth in the company.

 The need to draw funds from various sources is killing me. I need a good proposal and stop bumming around. I came up with 2 drafts and I hope to come up with improved versions so that I can deliver some concrete results. The main question is. How can I draw a crowd of 16 players every game, during weekdays? I need some more advice on certain things... Getting a physical building at town is one of the most important thing to do before I start to develop this business. It's an undervalued market. I need an R&D division to come up with these ideas. It is not going to be an easy path. But I need to do this. Waiting until after I get a degree might be too late.

 Maybe I should be like one of my friends. Do something I like while studying and really excel in both. Get to know more about how the other company works. Re-vitalize this sector and bring up a different image.

I happened to chance upon an article that Chrischow posted on FB. This It was quite true and timely for me. I'm not proud of where I am right now. I am extremely disappointed that I have given in to my personal desire and pleasure that I don't know who I really am. I have indulged in almost everything. I think it's time for me to go back. But how? The roaring lion really threw me off. I need to go back. Yesterday I bumped into Irving and we had a good chat. Could've been longer. He told me that Jeremy was looking for a cell. I invited him to my cell. He did not have the knowledge that I haven't been to cell for awhile. I guess it's HIS way of asking me to go back to church. I am reminded of Psalms 139 again. "Where can I go?"

 Anyway, my really close friend MOSH, invited me to stay with him. He sounded really serious cus he got an extra room. I felt really comforted that I am surrounded by friends who really care. My other close friend TBS, he was there for me all the while. Showing me support and understanding. He wanted me to stay at his place but to reduce complications in his family. He rather I stay out of the fight. But he will always be there to hear my rants and still buy me a beer or treat me to a meal.

These friends are hard to come by. I have a few good friends. Nicklaus,Damien,Gavin,Luke (both of them),Jun Ming(who is in Aust.),Daniel.A,Brian Khoo,Prash,Becky,Daniel.L,Mui Ling,Aunty Lian, Uncle Pek Lim,Ben Tan,Halim,Darren.H,Guo Cheng,Zack and my other army friends(they know who they are) they were the brothers who went thru thick and thin with me at different parts of my life and I appreciate the things they did for me.


 Really blessed.

 Anyway, done ranting. back to work or reading. hahahaha