Recently, I've been really crazy busy.
I'll be flying off to Hong Kong in a couple of days.
I honestly don't know what I am supposed to do as a bestman.

Organise a STAG party?
Say a few words?

We don't have a car in Hong Kong so we might have to take the public transport for the stag party which is quite lame....

Anyway, I know what to say for my speech, I just don't know when to say.
It's pretty strange, cus I have not been hanging out with them.

But exams are coming and its straight after I come back from Hong Kong.
My brains can no longer take this kind of shocks anymore. HAAAALP.

First it was YAM and I had to take a ferry back halfway just to take my papers.
and now THIS.
I think I just like the feeling of a busy life....Zzzzz
Flying back on the 11th, 12-14 are my exam dates. Woohoooo. Onward!

Anyway, I was quite upset that I was not invited to my friend's wedding, both of whom are my friends. I knew the girl since sec 1 and we kinds grew up together till like she was JC2. We went on mission trips to Chiang Mai every year. Quite sad. I knew the guy since sec 3 when he joined our cell.

Yeah we kinda drifted and stopped talking to each other, but she used to ask about me when I was in church and we used to catch up. But she stopped when she got together with this guy... haha strange but nvm lah. People change ? Or maybe they are just too tired to interact anymore.

Saded. BUT I'm super happy for them ! They finally got married ! And they are gonna have beautiful kids hahaha ! So a hidden congrats to them !

I don't know who still read this but I saw my childhood (sec 3) sweetheart counted right? Anyway, things are weird haha, like we still can't talk normally. Why. And it's weird. But I'll try to normalise things when I get the chance to. Anyway, really happy that she found someone who is pretty stable in terms of emotions and doing life in general. I hope it works out for them. They seem genuinely happy together. And this guy is quite meticulous and romantic lah, so dreamy haha...

I can't believe that I still have the time to blog. 3 theory papers coming up. I hope to score at least distinctions. I got super distracted this sem and I only hope that whatever revision I do now will be retained in my brains.

To the people who know me, I have a bad memory.

Updates on Bubble Soccer Singapore. Quite upset with Singapore law. My direct competitors bought similar domains and confused the market with it. Honestly I'm super pissed. What can I do ?
SGNIC replied to say that I must pay about 2.9k to LODGE a dispute. WHAT?!?

So can I recover this cost when it is ruled that they are in the wrong ?
But I must upfront this fee first....
And they paid for SEO lol. We paid for an inhouse SEO which does not cost a bomb obviously.

Just got asked by a friend to join his accounting firm to be a paperwork warrior....
And potentially a partner in future.
Question is, Big Four or this?
Flexibility vs Overtime.

But one have to work like a dog no matter what.
If I work for my friend I will be able to continue with my business and do accounting at the same time.

If I don't...Zzzz.... But I get to climb the ladder and have a fixed path for life already...
But with no work life balance for the first 10 years. Dilemma.

Okay gotta go!

ciao.

========================================================================
Just one short publicity stunt.
www.Bubblesoccer.sg
This is pretty much what I do for the business. I conduct teambuilding activities and make sure that my customers have loads of fun bumping and rolling around.
It is super safe. You don't have to worry about a soccer ball flying to your nuts or face (if you don't have nuts).

Anyway, thanks for all the support you guys have been showing.

SPH Family Day at Sentosa

JTC Fitness Day at Woodlands Stadium

Event at OFFSIDE 

Oil Tanking Management Staff Teambuilding at Sentosa

Some Ang Moh kids

Teambuilding at OFFSIDE

Have been so busy lately.

I need another break soon.

These are my current commitments:

1. Making Money

• Bubble Soccer
• Forex
• Starting another business soon.

2. Boys' Brigade

• Upkeep the boys badges
• Remember their birthdays
• Worship

3. Young Adults' Ministry

• YAM Retreat 2015 (BATAM)
• Plan for Monthly Takeouts (Food/Worship/Slides Clicker/Laptop)
• Get ready for the end year party or new year party
• Check out Hotels for next year's retreat

4. Carissa

• Fetching her to and fro MCAT
• Spend time listening to her
• Encourage her not to give up her dreams
• Plan for a future with her. To move over to Australia and watch her complete her dream goals.

5. Friends

• Going on outings at least Bi-monthly
• Find my good friend a good Christian girlfriend even though he is not Christian, but he is more Christian than most of us and I hope one day he will see that there is only one God. I can't give all the answers, but God is not cruel, it is the people that He created who are the cruel ones. I hope God finds Him and show Him something miraculous  and he won't be so sceptical and turn a blind eye on that obvious miracle.

6. School

• Assignments
• Exams on 12/13/14 AUG (I'm not sure if I can still do the best man thing. But share load with Choo lah so maybe not so taxing hahahaha. I still think Choo should take up the role. He already do so much for them.... wah lau.)
• Bridging exam this Saturday... Die.
• Report submission this Friday.

School is the least of my concerns now because I have to live life to the fullest. While it is not nice to fail, I feel that going to school is only essential for equipping. As long as I have internalised the various concepts that was taught and it is shown through the way I live my life, I think it has served it's purpose already. To be so caught up in paper chase and then risk losing the golden years of my life, it's not worth it. But I must graduate.

CS LEWIS

Having a bad time right now because, I made the mistake of thinking I can be better than people or even God himself. Was in the toilet when I picked up the book "Mere Christianity" by C.S Lewis.

It was mind changing. I hope I will remember this for the rest of my life.
CS Lewis was on the topic of cardinal virtues. And the part that caught me was from page 79-81 of the book.

Let me take a few parts here and there.

"Someone who is not a good tennis player may now and then take a good shot. What yo mean by a good player is a man.......have been so trained by making innumerable good shots that they now can be relied on. They have a certain tone or quality which is there even when he is not playing. 

Just as a mathematician's mind has a certain habit and outlook which is there even when he is not doing mathematics. In the same way a man who perseveres in doing just actions gets in the end a certain quality of character. Now it is that quality rather than the particular actions which we mean when we talk of a 'virtue.' 

This distinction is important for the following reason. If we though only of the particular actions we might encourage three wrong ideas."

1)Right actions can be done for the wrong reasons. If done with the wrong reason, it does not help to build an internal quality or character called the virtue. The tennis player can hit a winning stroke in anger by luck, but it will not help him to be a reliable person.

2) We might think that God wanted simply obedience to a set of rules: whereas He really wants people of a particular sort.

3) We might think that virtues are only necessary for this present life.

The point us not that God will refuse you admission to His eternal world if you have not got certain qualities of character, the point is that if people had not got at least the beginning of those qualities inside them, then no possible external conditions could make a Heaven for them.

That is, could make them happy with the deep, strong, unshakable kind of happiness God intends for us.

I think the words itself are enough for us to think about the kind of person we want to become. I am struggling with this now. I portray a good image of myself. But i always question myself. "Am I really like that?"

I don't know if God calls me home now, that I will be able to enjoy the things in heaven, the relationships that might be made in heaven.

There's this parable of the people who went to heaven but told God that they want to go to hell cus they cannot take what is in heaven. I pray that I will be moulded and I won't be like the people who asked God to send them to hell because they can't take heaven.

This blog is really good. No one comes except for me. And even if people came, they are the ones who don't know who I am.

Ciaoz gotta study for my second test. Hope I don't fail. 

It has been a long while.

After a crazy roller coaster of things happening here and there. Bubble Soccer, very rarely Laser Tag. Back at Boys' Brigade. Serving at the Young Adults Ministry at Barker. Exams are coming up in 1 month's time. Tests are next week. Tough stuff. 

The uncertainty of going to New Zealand with the fiance is starting to make me think. So many things going on with so little time. And the worse thing is I'm probably going into another business that will limit my time even more. 

Sometimes it's so crazy I just stop and listen to John Mayer and stare into space. 

I can't stop the ministries given to me. They are largely BB and YAM. I can forgo all others but not these 2. Still recovering from the lousy devotions I did with the last parade. Could've done better. But I hope they get the message. It is true that the crowd in schools nowadays need more to excite them. But how to do that without diluting the message? I don't know. 

Siblings are going overseas. Next week my youngest sis the baby of the family is leaving us for foundational studies in Trinity College at Melbourne. She will be gone for at least 4 years together with my other sister in Perth. Oscar will be gone for 5 years next year to Adelaide for Dentistry. 

The house will be empty, it's crazy. I'll be as good as the only child. That's not my greatest worry. My greatest worry is that Mum and Dad may not be able to keep up with the finances. I might need to work harder. Sometimes you don't know how much more you can push yourself you know? 

But thank God the money from the government grants for my business is in. We can use it to expand our business and possibly earn more money. 

My last worry is my really good friend. Been praying for him since Poly year 1. 

I just hope a miracle happens. I don't know what I can do to make life a little teeny bit better. 

I hope he finds really good mature friends who will give him sound advice (not that I am, I just listen tbh. I don't do much.) 

People go through bad patches in life but when yours start at a very young age and you are forced to rely on yourself, you tend to have a very different thinking. Mostly individualistic behaviour because there are trust issues and the thinking that no one will ever back you up but yourself. 

I think I was not really there for him in the first place. Not even sure if he deems me as his best friend. But he is mine. lol. He gives one of the best advices and support IMO. Most times better than my churchies but people grow up eventually. 

But you know, life is such that you have to be vulnerable to people before they open up to you and trust you. And one day we need to rely on each other's support to survive in this dark dark world. I wish I was a kid again. I remember not so long ago when I was P6 that I thought to myself, how good if life can always be this way. But life is about growing up and not letting our past shadow what we do now. Heroes don't talk about their past. 

I just pray that somehow Jesus reveals himself to this close friend of mine, in whatever way I don't know. I definitely know that its not because I prayed or talked to him that he will come to know Christ but it's truly from the deepest recess of His heart that he feels Christ showing him love and comfort. 

And 30 years down the road I want us to be sitting at some BBQ party talking about the days of the past and doing the same ministry and that is to continue to help others. Even if he doesn't believe, his fire to help the less fortunate will always burn for the right reasons. 

Anyway, run the good race and fight the good fight, win or lose, just do it and see where it gets us. 

Press on. (talking to myself since no one reads this.) 

Blessing in disguise that this blog is dead. lol. 

#returnourCPF is a trap.

Yes, most Singaporeans are asset rich with limited liquidity. But we can't just listen to one side and conclude. Yet most of us do because that is a convenient thing to do. Ride on the wave of intellects and you'll never go wrong. As long a a person sounds smart while going against the government, we will support him. Really? Are we that shallow?

I remember some time back before my grandparents became followers of Christ. They gave me all sorts of ridiculous stories heard from friends. All sorts of questions about why christians behave badly even after getting baptised. All it takes was one question. "Have you personally accepted Jesus as your Lord and walk a blameless life according to what is written in the bible?" In short, "did you give Jesus a chance?"

It took awhile for this question to sink into them and search the recesses of their hearts before they were willing to give Jesus a try. Maybe I have just turned you off with a religious example. But I hope you will be patient with me.

In the same way, have we done enough research on our own to say the truth for once? (reading alternative news is not a fair source BTW. No one should be able to convince you. No one but FACTS.) How do you know for sure that what ROY and HHH have presented are facts? I am not saying he is a liar. I am asking whether you can confirm it.

One thing I notice about people is people are rationale beings. They think and they plan for a future in their lives. However, circumstances has it that they have no choice but to spend and sometimes even empty their savings. There are tons of these persons when you visit rental flats and homes. These are truly the marginalised. But I don't see them actively participating in going against the government. In fact, they work hard and encourage their kids to work hard to escape the cycle.

Most of these people flaming the government. Now what sort of agenda do you think they have? They try to fan the flames with unsupported allegations. They tried to be "accountable" for the public monies raised but have they been transparent? Rather than saving this money, their supporters donate what limited resources they have to fund the lives of Roy and HHH. (they are jobless)

I am not an avid supporter of PAP policies especially the educational policies that are in place. But even this is starting to change. I digress.

Coming back  to the point of why #returnourCPF movement is a trap. Many of us know the income inequality GAP that is widening in Singapore. However, we need to see the facts. When we release the floodgates of CPF monies. Do you honestly think that people with ZERO financial knowledge will handle it well and retire well?

We have a few examples of how the old folks are easily cheated by forces that is not within our control.

Can Roy and HHH support you financially when you have spent all your CPF monies "wisely" and retire as a pauper? I believe they will be the first one to disappear.

Who will have to support you? The government.

With who's money? Taxpayers money.

How can we provide for the sudden increase of poverty? Raise taxes.

Who will be unhappy? The people who have worked very hard for a better life. And this is when the incumbent would have fallen into a trap. But no I believe we have smart people who will do their job with due diligence.

Who will benefit the most? No one. Even Roy and HHH they are jobless and they rely on the "poor" remember?

When their ploy unfolds, do you think they will still receive funding? No. they will have to work their way up. Back to square one.

It is easy for us to say that we will be able to handle our own affairs. But the government is having a hard time as well. They are facing the numbers everyday. The question is what can you a citizen of Singapore do to help? Talk is cheap.

Why don't they give you 15k a month to do their job and let the public scrutinise your life? Would you like that?

There is also wisdom in steering clear of Roy and HHH. That is essentially one of the wisest thing the opposition parties have done.

I'm one ranting.

Back to working hard.

Ciaoz

"Brainstorming is a group or individual creativity technique by which efforts are made to find a conclusion for a specific problem by gathering a list of ideas spontaneously contributed by its member(s). The term was popularized by Alex Faickney Osborn in the 1963 book Applied Imagination. Osborn claimed that brainstorming was more effective than individuals working alone in generating ideas, although more recent research has questioned this conclusion.^[1] Today, the term is used as a catch all for all group ideationsessions." -Wikipedia

Oh really?

So I told someone about my business plans and I was berated with, I got a bad feeling. 

I said join us for discussions. 

"NO!" the person shot back. 

I said okay, so how should we look at it. 

"Don't collaborate with them!"

I said okay then we just meet up to make sure that we know how to lay the foundation for the industry, no agreements will be made to split profit. We'll go our own separate ways. 

"I told you already, not to do these things, focus on your studies." 

But that's why I'm selling my company and passing my responsibilities on to someone else. 

More irrational screaming. 

I am at a loss. Not knowing what to do. I shouted and I kept repeating my point that nothing is cast into stone. I just wanted to hear your opinion. Not you screaming about how I didn't listen to you and how you're always right... 

I sped home and almost got into a fight with a cabbie. We go to the road shoulder and I saw his car camera. Not wanting to be famous overnight. I drove away. I am so tired. 

Enough... its enough...

I am tired. 

I supported your dreams even when people around you cast so much doubt and fear. Even when you started to doubt yourself. I said go. I encouraged you. Not to study but to go for your dreams. That in the process requires you to study. 

But for me, I am expected to study just like you in order to do what I like and what I want. 

But I went a step further. I am tapering down my responsibilities already. But no. Not enough. You just keep pushing me. I've decided to sell everything. 

Haven't had my lunch and it still hurts deeply (no link I know). The person you were so vulnerable with, whom you trusted the most stabbed you. But it feels as though a thousand knives went through me. It's crazy. 

I will not allow history to repeat. 

Recently, I haven't had much time cus of NS and my lack of drive to do anything is killing me slowly. I've become a lazy person who stays at home and sleep or watch TV serials whenever I have the time. I lost almost all my forex money 3k odd in all. I'm still deciding if I should go back and pump more money in it. This is very bad... I have a lack of funds to do anything I want to do. I refuse to get it from my Parents, cus I have too much pride. I refuse to borrow money. I have no more avenues. I need to earn some cash. Right now, I only have the business to lean on. BUT... I have my doubts on my partner. It is really disappointing to know that he is still in the dilly dally life. He may have achieved quite a few things. But that is only because he ORDed already. I'm going to ORD soon and I'm gonna do so much more. I have big plans. Burning passion to see growth in the company.

 The need to draw funds from various sources is killing me. I need a good proposal and stop bumming around. I came up with 2 drafts and I hope to come up with improved versions so that I can deliver some concrete results. The main question is. How can I draw a crowd of 16 players every game, during weekdays? I need some more advice on certain things... Getting a physical building at town is one of the most important thing to do before I start to develop this business. It's an undervalued market. I need an R&D division to come up with these ideas. It is not going to be an easy path. But I need to do this. Waiting until after I get a degree might be too late.

 Maybe I should be like one of my friends. Do something I like while studying and really excel in both. Get to know more about how the other company works. Re-vitalize this sector and bring up a different image.

I happened to chance upon an article that Chrischow posted on FB. This It was quite true and timely for me. I'm not proud of where I am right now. I am extremely disappointed that I have given in to my personal desire and pleasure that I don't know who I really am. I have indulged in almost everything. I think it's time for me to go back. But how? The roaring lion really threw me off. I need to go back. Yesterday I bumped into Irving and we had a good chat. Could've been longer. He told me that Jeremy was looking for a cell. I invited him to my cell. He did not have the knowledge that I haven't been to cell for awhile. I guess it's HIS way of asking me to go back to church. I am reminded of Psalms 139 again. "Where can I go?"

 Anyway, my really close friend MOSH, invited me to stay with him. He sounded really serious cus he got an extra room. I felt really comforted that I am surrounded by friends who really care. My other close friend TBS, he was there for me all the while. Showing me support and understanding. He wanted me to stay at his place but to reduce complications in his family. He rather I stay out of the fight. But he will always be there to hear my rants and still buy me a beer or treat me to a meal.

These friends are hard to come by. I have a few good friends. Nicklaus,Damien,Gavin,Luke (both of them),Jun Ming(who is in Aust.),Daniel.A,Brian Khoo,Prash,Becky,Daniel.L,Mui Ling,Aunty Lian, Uncle Pek Lim,Ben Tan,Halim,Darren.H,Guo Cheng,Zack and my other army friends(they know who they are) they were the brothers who went thru thick and thin with me at different parts of my life and I appreciate the things they did for me.


 Really blessed.

 Anyway, done ranting. back to work or reading. hahahaha

Entered long into EUR/USD at 1.29500 to scoop up a few pips before going short at 1.30. But i was heading to Malaysia and I was afraid that my prediction would be wrong. So I set my stop loss at 1.29450. I was disappointed to see that my stop was triggered and it rebounded to 1.30. My current position is a short at 1.3. Looking at current news and moving averages. I plan to hold it till next Friday. I suspect it will hold. This prediction was done with my studies on moving averages over a month. I used a daily time frame. Will be following the headlines closely for signs of price change. Xavier.

Just Got on the Forex bandwagon in July- September. Opened an account with Phillips Futures and deposited SGD 3000. I made an initial loss of about SGD 1500 due to my lack of diligence and knowledge. I started with Technical analysis and fundamental trading with Investopedia and random web browsing led me to Forexlive It was a very adventurous start with stupid entries and exits from my trades. But I matured as time passed and money burned. I started to realise the importance of orderboards and the significance of technical trading. I started to learn how to hold certain losses and when to let go of the other losses I made. I realise that emotions can really mess up a trade that you have intentionally planned. Nowadays I am revisiting theories from technical analysis and applying them hand in hand with orderboards and Headlines. Though the market could already be discounted. I learn to squeeze a few pips out. I'm still trying to play with back to back orders that carries a risk of reversal trends. Army really prevents you from moving on with whatever you want to do in life. I will be out for the next 3 days and will be back on Friday night. I hope to get a good schedule. I have to rely on my sister to key in trades for me, for now. Xavier

Sometimes when we reach a certain height in wherever we are.
We get a little cocky... we acquire an air around us...
It sucks... I hope I'll never be like that.
The worst thing is, we don't know we have it and no one says anything.

But if ever our friends tell us, we swipe it aside.
It's just a passing comment.
Sometimes friendships turn sour and when we look back,
we wasted time. We could still be friends.

Maybe I'm thinking the whole scenario in my mind.

See this is life.
Imagine someone puts it too strongly to you.
You might even feel discouraged.
I think I would.

If a low confidence friend thru your encouragement came out of his hole.
And he saw that being confident have it's pros.
He starts to become so confident till it reaches a point of arrogance.
What do you do?
You know it's potentially dangerous for him but you don't want to burst his bubble.
Now that's hard right?
Haha so I guess I should tone it down and be humble then...
Hopefully he sees it and he changes too :)

I'm not a very humble person anyway.
I too, am a arrogant white horse.

signing off,
Xavier

I was just thinking.
Is the company capable enough?
Capable enough to be scalable?
Capable enough to be the biggest laser tag service provider in Singapore?
We are getting known, no doubt.
But at what speed?
We need to come back again to synchronise our steps again.
So that we don't step on each others toes.

What I want the company to cater.
We want to do a lot of things.
We want to be able to cater to all demographics.
How are we going to make our company exclusive.

Although we sell our tea for $1 compared to $5 Starbucks coffee.
What is our selling point?
To make our games affordable and to share the fun of laser tag.
Both friendly to the young and the old.
We are definitely student friendly.

What are some of the skills that we possess that we can sell?
Teamwork?
How do we do that?
Do we have a lesson plan for each game?
Can we learn through that?

We need to define the path we choose.

Emo. I HOPE the clothes thing won't come back again.
Nvm. When I enter army. I can't see shit.
She can wear anything she wants :(

Having a bad day today.
Gonna try smiling it away to keep myself positive.
Just wanna give up LT.
But I can't I have so much to prove with that.
Family, Friends and My Future UNI.

This is life, it a process of maturity to be able to fight for the things that matter.
And pull back for those that don't really matter.

Well I had a great day yesterday.
Spent much of my time with Carissa.
Macdonalds for brunch, chicken rice for lunch and popcorn, nachos and MOS burgers for dinner.
A day well spent.

Feel much further away from God.
Did things that are not pleasing to Him.
Knew it but pushed it aside.
I just pray that God would take this "disease" away from me.

Trying to do something with my life.
But I'm so lazy.
Better wake up from this nightmare soon.

I wished I was 5.
I went everywhere with no worries.
Did everything with child-like innocence.

Growing up is tough.

I hate SMSing...
Why can't people just call?
Must type so long to explain...
It's like neverending smses... just keep coming...

And whats up with the stupid questions on facebook?
Read the description and you will know what the group is all about!?
KK chill... Must be the weather.

Had a good lunch with Carissa at pizzahut
LOVED IT :)
Talked about our future and how I'm so excited about the future.

But,
"Do not boast about tomorrow,
for you do not know what a day may bring forth."
Proverbs 27:1 NIV

So here I am, back to reality.
If I really want a future for us,
I must wake up, start studying and earn some cash.

Stop being sticky and judgmental.
Treat everything with love.
I've yet to grasp the the true meaning of love.
I hope I do soon.
I want to pray for self-control and discipline.
To pass my NAPFA and SAT with Gold and 1900 at least.

Should I continue with Laser Tag?
But it feels like a lost cause to me.
I'll Do what I have to do and see how.

Dear God,
Help me to have a greater passion for you.

Came across this:

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow. "
The father thought some and said,

"OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.
Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner.
Your mother will be the government because she controls everything,
our maid will be the working class because she works for us,
you will be the people because you answer to us,
and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed,
the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying.
Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.

So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty
and his mother wouldn't wake up.
Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall,
and when he reached the door,
he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.
The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table,
"Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
The little boy thought for a minute and said,
"I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class,
government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap. "

Although I can't vote.
I'm not pro opposition or pro PAP.
I'm rooted for the one who shows servant leadership.
Someone who will apologise to his people and move on.
Not cover up or act "macho".

On a side note.
I love my girlfriend.

Xavier

We do what we do out of love and sometimes,
how we hurt so much when we commit so much.
But we still push on for love.
To show the world what love is.
I hope it'll followthrough.

She knows my blog. I told her awhile back.
No one reads this blog other than me, or so I thought.
She reads it too.
After every 2 days we fight.
The trend is coming back.
We will tire ourselves out again.
Like what she said better to see each other over the weekends only.
So she can concentrate on studying.
Been trying to do that.
Did pretty well last week.
Only met her in the morning for 2 days.

We agreed we said things cus of raging emotions and to get attention from one another.
We agreed to move on.
Looking back at my posts I know why you're pissed.
I understand.
I hope one day we can read them as relics or history books that will remind us not to be like that to each other.
Cus it's hurtful.

This break will help us see each other in better light I hope.

Mum made awesome lunch.
Trying to live each day with less thoughts about you is my greatest challenge right now.
When I enjoy things I do, I will think about how we would enjoy it.
WHen I hate it, I promise myself not to include you.
Constant thoughts of you are driving me insane.

Xavier

I wanna remember the best times we had together.
The times where I surprised her at random places.
WIth candles, food and humble gifts.
We had the best time during our stay in Sentosa:)
Spending quiet times walking down the beach together.
Have late breakfasts and awesome lunches and dinners.
I felt very special.
But the way you make everyone feel special kinda marginalized me.
I know I'm getting way more. DUH.
When you make other girls feel special I'm like whatever....
But when you make other guys feel special, I rage inside.
But there's a tiny battle that happens in my mind...
Fighting the rage with memories and assurance.
It's just worse when you don't mind standing arm to arm with another guy
when there's SO MUCH SPACE.

I remember when I was 14 and I was in the train.
This hot girl accidentally brushed my hands and it felt like heaven.
And when some hot girl take notice of me and even takes the initiative to text me first
IT FELT LIKE THE BEST THING ON EARTH.
THE GUYS AGREED WITH ME ON THAT.
SO I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FELT THAT WAY.

BOTTOMLINE. When you're attached be less touchy with other sex to escape unnecessary problems.

I'm just really thankful and I appreciate that she's trying:)

The lack of sensitivity and boundaries with males, shows how important I am to you.
I hope I will be less sensitive.
But the natural instinct to show other males who owns her is damn strong when boundaries are crossed.
Jealousy and potential rage...

Why must she be the only one in class to sit with the guys?
Why can't she be like other girls and be friendlier to girls than guys?
Why open up so many unnecessary possibilities?
Can't she just understand me?
Must she be so open-minded? Brains can fall out you know...

I love her personality, that's why I got together with her.
But her outgoing personality ironically kills me.

She's too comfortable with people too fast.
It's like a sped up friendship. Then something happens and "kaboom."

I've heard too many sorries to forgive, if something do happen.

I know all these translates to insecurities and it is unhealthy.
It seems like I don't trust her?
I just don't want any possibility of anything that can contribute to the fall of a person.

Let's not lie... Being unaware of how touchy and over expressive can lead to situations
that you might not have intended.
Then, "sorry" and "I shouldn't have done that" will be such a pain in the ass.

When I explain to you and you get angry, it's cause you preconceived the convo before I end.
Listen to the full thing. How I started it and how it ended.
If you don't, and just get pissed over my first sentence without hearing me out.
Obviously you will be pissed.
Cus it is a halfway story in your thoughts and you let speculations of what I meant in.
These preconceived notions then breaks us apart.
Because you think that I'm thinking of you in negative light.

This totally blots out who I am to you, what we've done together, what we've done for each other.
That means the good times.
Anger and hysteria sets in to kill and destroy the relationship.
Because that's not what I meant.
But it killed us.
Your own thoughts did. Because you didn't want to hear the whole thing...

Is it bad for me to comment on my girlfriend's inclination to accept
random friend requests from people she don't know?

Stayed up the whole night to finish up my lesson for today.
It's on John Chapter 5 and how if you aim to please God, He will look on you with favor and give you the best life.
Saying is easy. The doing part... Just gotta be stronger.
How I wish life was easier... Just say and you'll do it.

OKay I didn't really stay up...
I slept for 4 hours? haha
I was nodding off...
Oh yeah I'm at coffee bean...
I'm quite tired now...
I think I need to sleep once I get home.

Had a huge battle. My fault for being too spiteful.
I'm sorry I played the guilt card.
I'm sorry I was ranting at you.
I'm sorry I made you feel so small.
Hope you're better now.
Hope I'm forgiven.

I've always kept in my heart that if you love someone "pride" is really nothing.
Love is not about loving the person for who she is.
It's about loving the person for the good and bad traits.
To concentrate on the good traits so that they can outshine the bad trait.
And then tell them to improve on the bad trait that is important for life.
Iron sharpening iron.
If you just accept the person for who they are then whats the point?
Then I say you really don't love the person.
Because you don't help them to become a better person.

But you must be willing to accept your flaws and change them.
Then both will go through a changing process together.
Okay I'm nagging.
It's love that changes us to strive towards what our partners like and dislike about us.

I've learnt something from all the fights with my mum.
Don't do any rash talking or actions when you're angry.
It does no one any good.
True story.
You'll regret what you say, what you did and what you didn't do.
And that is not walking away to get your head straight first.

If you're too loose with words, the person you really love won't feel special.
Cus everyone gets the same stuff.
I thought sweet nothings are for couples.
But I was proven wrong.

I thought I was that sparkle in your eye?
I guess I have to share the space in your eye:(
I thought I was everything to you.
But I guess I'm part of that everything:(

I don't see other people talking to their mission trip kids like that.
Only somewhere along the lines of "I miss yous" and 'hope you're doing fine."
Nothing overly serious till it sounds like they're attracted to each other like couples do.
I don't feel that special anymore.
I just feel that it's weird to talk this way to someone you barely know.
2 weeks or less but the talk seems like a 30 year old friendship.

We're into 7 months and I only got those expressions recently.
Maybe over expressiveness do speed up and skip the natural processess that a friendship ought to take place.
We tend to forget that the people who loves us most deserves that kind of expressions more than anyone else.
I'm talking about God, Parents, Family, the other half, teachers who touched our lives...

I just feel that the words used on me are recycled.
I don't go around saying "I love you", "I miss you" or "you're that sparkle in my eyes" to other people so easily.
Only to my other half and people who have been through with me most parts of my life.
Not a 2 weeks friendship.
I feel so crapped up that a 2 weeks friend got to you while it took me months.
Take it slow... we have to be more cautious as we grow up.
People get more scheming, complicated and crazy to make friends with.
You're massively friendly... I GET IT BUT...
Don't be too anxious to open yourself up.
Cus when people stab you in the back, you can only blame yourself for opening up too easily.

Just talking myself haha.
Nobody reads this anyway...
Blogging is a dying trend.

:( I really needed to rant this out.

Maybe it will all end soon.
Gotta set my landing gear and land back to reality.
Hope the people I love most will be there for me all the way.

I just found out that I need A math for all my business modules. I am screwed and crapped up.
Now I need to take O-level A math and A level A math...
Gotta go and find all the A math stuff...
Hopefully I'm smart enough for H1/2 math. Stupid me luhh...

I was emoing at the atrium.
Just as I was about to head to the gym, I saw Jacob Ng.
He came over and said, "I was just thinking about you." (he's my DGL)
We had breakfast together.
He told me about his honeymoon and how he spent it briefly.
Talked to him about the holiday I had in HK. He went there too.
But we didn't bump into each other.

I was really inspired when he shared with me the things he did during the honeymoon.
Jacob and Yvonne(JY) talked ad prayed over the micro things that a married couple must manage.
Like finances, housing, having a baby and how God plays a part in his life.
He is a Godly friend. Really. He said it was foolish of them to over worry about finances.
Because at the end of parable of the rich man Jesus said,
the foolish man doesn't know that his life will be taken away from him tonight.
The riches that he saved could not be taken up with him.

And I saw how they did QT every morning separately for 30mins-1hour.
Seeking God. They know that God is the centre of their lives.
That the relationship with God is a must to keep even though they have a new phase of life together.

Then Jacob said to love a person wholeheartedly is more important than what you do for them.
It is a heart condition. Do you say you love God and that's why you show that you read the bible?
NO! it's because you love Jesus and it becomes a natural thing for you to do.
It's because you love and that's why there's nothing to boast about when you read the bible (this is an example)
Do you boast about how much you love your life that's why you drink water?
NO it's cus it's a natural thing for us to drink water and love life. There's nothing to boast about.
Thats really something for me to think about man...
That kind of love takes maturity and help from God. I pray for that kind of love.

Help me love God everyday and tell Him that each day was for Him.
Help me to do that Jesus.

This post is dedicated to the person I love most.
Who probably won't see this cus my blog is unknown to all except for binsoon.

I love you.

I'm sorry for feeling so jealous and sensitive all the time.
I'm surprised at how much I've changed when I look back.
I can't believe that I would behave this way.
This is the first time in my life experiencing this kind of overwhelming emotions.

I'm sorry that this is my first relationship.
I'm sorry for being so noob at handling our fights.
I'm sorry for making you envy other girls.
And for the being the unlucky girl to get me.

I'm sorry, stay happy. I know you will when the pig's gone.
I love you.

Loving someone was never easy.
Loving someone take commitment.
Loving someone takes God's love.
Loving someone takes sacrifice.
Loving someone can be painful.
Loving someone makes you vulnerable.

But I don't care about what/how much it takes, I still love you.

Have you ever felt so worried you wanna cry?
Have you ever missed someone till it hurts?
Have you ever felt you are aching to hold the one you love?
Have you ever felt insecure?

I think being liberal is overrated.
People tend to be open to strangers easily.
People tend to be touchy with strangers.
The line between close friendships and causal friendships are blurred.
We give so easily and we get hurt easily.
Life.

Sometimes being traditional for a change shows some class in a certain sense.
The conscious effort to maintain the line between close and distance.
The way we talk, our body language and our speech.
It takes a mature person to understand the power of maintaining certain distances.
There are sensitivities to take into consideration.
Stepping too close could overstep culture sensitivities.
Talking too loosely or unthought body language
Can stem on certain temptations that others might be controlling.

Being open, I find is an excuse to be careless.
When that carelessness causes trouble, we cry and blame others.

If we are open yet we show others we are firm and not easily influenced.
I guess people are giving too much credit to "everyone is doing it"
Too much credit to "do it now, consequences later"
Too much credit to "I am who I am"

Gah life... its full of drawing lines and not overstepping them.
I guess this only comes with a certain maturity.
And the person will be really mature not to overstep these lines.

I MISS CARISSA NG KAH MUN.
I'm sorry, made you pissed again.
What's worse this time is that you're overseas.
I'll try AGAIN !!!!! Please forgive me?
(Not like you can read this.)

Anyway, I'll be off to Hong Kong tomorrow.
I hope she'll be well.
I really miss Carissa.
That's life.
I just gotta suck thumb...

BIN SOON I MISS YOU TOO.
PLEASE BE SAFE.

What does it mean to miss someone and not having the ability to travel 2,300km.
Every night I would pray like a child asking God for the ability to teleport or fly.
I don't even know what to type right now.
The feeling is overwhelming.
I just hope she's safe.
I pray hard that God will watch over her.

For the past few days, I was living in a daze.
Not knowing where to go or what to do.
Even if I had something to distract me, all I had to do was look around to miss her again.
Everything I saw reminded me of her.
Even if it doesn't.
I will about how'd it be like with her around.

Gah... I just hope for the first time that time will move faster.
Sometimes I wish we had iPhone 4 to video call...
But I need to know that this is unhealthy for me.
I need to stop feeling this way.
I cannot be so dependent, It's suicidal.
But I can't... I blardy miss her...
I wish that she'll never have to go too far from me. EVER AGAIN...

I MISS YOU. I KNOW YOU'LL NEVER READ THIS BLOG CUS YOU DON'T KNOW THIS BLOG.
but if you do... I hope you'll see how much I missed you.

I knew this would happen if twitter came back :(

Our priorities show by what we do before we sleep and the moment we're awake.
As long as you're my friend I'll try my best to be there.
I'll know your threshold for jokes.
I'll recognize that you're my friend and walk with you when you're down.
I'll not judge you for your mistakes but encourage when I see effort.
I won't put you down no matter what and I will wait for you to turn back.
I will be emo and express my feelings and thoughts.
But all these are standards I hold to myself.
I can't expect them from my friends.
We are humans. We are not perfect.

I just feel sad. Sad that life makes you choose between people who are dear to you.
Sad that people are jealous.
Sad that I am not mature enough to plan my time.
Sad that people don't see what I see.
Sad that they are constantly making excuses and not admitting faults.
So what if you eloquent?
So what if you can lie fluently?
SO WHAT?
Can you live with it?
If you can live with lies that you have fed your dear ones with.
Or live in self denial and not see people around you are hurt.
Then you're not fit to be my friend.
I am very disappointed and sad.

I might be critical, but I know I am right.
I am trying to make it right too.

Just wanna live life with my family and other half and some good friends.
Can?

-just another human living his life.

Just read about Brian Khoo's post about death.
How unreal it is and strange to marvel into what that last breath would be like.
Death is everywhere.
We read it, watch it and think about it sometimes.
That one liner Brian wrote.
"I may be going through some downs, but life is too good to give"
It's true.
I still have loads of things to check on my list.
Even if God takes away the most important person in my life now.
I must learn to let go.
I'm not saying He will, I'm just saying what if one day He just decides to.

It's strange how people works.
I just hope everything will be on my side.
Don't we all?
Like take the bus and the sun is on the other side.
Ask for more and pay the same amount.

I just hope I won't string my words too loosely and loose myself in the process.
Well at least I know that I will come to my senses after 5 minutes of reflection.
I tend to weigh whats worth and whats not.
Apologise and get it back.
That's me.

Sometimes I see myself as superman, "I don't make mistakes" kind.
But I'm wrong, I do make mistakes.
I was taught from young that it is more important that I admit my mistakes.
More than anything else integrity.

I remember, when I was younger, mum would scold me for failing to apologise.
Then I'll say "sorry" and she would say, "don't say it if you don't mean it, you just say it for the sake of saying."
I will always go, "Mum! Why don't you believe me that I mean it?"
I actually I don't. I apologised in anger.
People can see if I was sincere.

I remember when I was in Sec 1.
I finally had the balls to own up and say,
"mum those times I shouted back at you with a guilt card, they were empty, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry I lied."
She would say, "Vier, you've grown up. You learn how to admit your mistakes even though you know the consequences. I forgive you."
That taught me a lot and it even taught me how to play poker.
Call the bluff only when I have a good hand, don't bluff the bluff.
It'll just backfire and cost me more.

Now I know how it feels to be in Mum's shoes.
Now I truly know my mum's struggles and pain.
Ah well this is life.
Although I know how it feels like to be wearing my mum's shoes,
I will often slip back into my old self and bluff the bluff.

So when you suspect I'm calling bluff with the bluff,
expose me and I will apologise.
This is my code of honor from young.

Xavier's life.

Hey Back again,

I was searching google on relationships and this website came out.

http://www.petting-zoo.org/Essays/?p=1178

It was really good. Short and simple points.

Taught me more about relationships.

AWESOME.

THANK GOD.

Now I think I can finally level up in my relationships with family, friends and girlfriend :)

I have to learn how to let go.

Even when I miss them terribly.

I can't always appear.

I just have to let them know.

SO ANYWAY !

SECOND CHANCE :D

Love,

Xavier

I think its too much and I'm killing it like squeezing the hamster too much.

"All things are permissible but not all things are beneficial."

Circumstances and the choices we made brought us to where we are today.

It becomes our identity.

Question is, when are we willing to throw them away for Jesus.

I say it here and not FB so that people won't think I'm some self righteous bugger.

Cus there's no traffic here at all.

Well at least I write it here to remind myself.

Why Why Why.

Fashion (cleavage, butt, panty, tight -showing clothes) or decency?

I'm sorry I have no fashion sense.

Cover important parts is all I ask.

SO there are no OOPS moments.

No free-shows.

I hope it gets through.

It's a good thing that I'll be going army soon.

I can't comment if I don't see.

I can't be a naggy piece of junk that talks rubbish.

I'm sorry that I said natural pretty girls don't deserve make up.

I'm sorry.

Let's just hope I get a job soon.

Be distracted from "judging" and talking crap.

On a brighter note. EXAMS ARE UP NEXT !!!
REPORTS ARE DONE !!!!

yay

-Xav

All I ever wanted was a sorry.

It might be blablabla but I mean a lie is still a lie right?

A half truth is still a lie.

A coverup story is still a lie.

An alteration in facts is still a lie.

Self denial is still a lie.

Sometimes I ask myself how did all these start.

And I blame myself.

We are all humans.

I need to "kan kai" and forgive like what Jesus did for me.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

I can't even pick up a stone. I was a sinner, I still am a sinner.

May God be my guide.

Forgive me Lord.

Love

Xavier.

Just puzzled that something's changing.

I feel it.

It's getting stronger.

I blame myself for this.

All these hide and seek.

I'm tired of seeking.

I just want honesty.

I won't comment anymore.
I will just give in.

Love is more than a lie.

I forgive.

I relent.

Just need the truth now.

I'm tired

I get a headache because of this all the time.

I need to take Bin Soon's advice. "kan kai"

I need to be less obsessed with this and more obsessed with my studies.

The things that matters more.

I will just "Kan Kai" no more fights... I'm tired.

Just hope that one day I will come to see that the truth will set me free.

How I love life.

I mean if you planned for something already just say right?

What is so bad about meeting your friend when I will be busy?

When she said she will be alone with that look I knew that in her mind she's planning for something already.

But now that I'm free and she cancelled her appointment because of me. I feel bad too.

Should I lie about having a meeting so that she can meet her friend?

Should I just say I feel bad and a fight might start?

I'm scared, scared of airing my opinions.

I mean if you love someone, you will think of them and tell them about your plans no?

Especially on a valentine's day?

Then again she made the effort to meet her and all that. She said she's just a hi/bye friend.

Shouldn't she be the one making the effort if she wants you as a friend?

Then again, who am I to control her.

I dislike the things she do, not hate her. She will definitely influence her

The next thing I know will be, going out with her and doing things that I dislike because it's wrong. ah well.

I just pray that I'm wrong.

I mean if she can hide something this small from me.

She can also hide bigger things better when I'm in the army.

Obviously you're not doing it yet cus I'm not in the army yet.

Love is trust.

But don't preach trust when you're not building it.

What is dignity?

Is it worth 5 cents or a billion dollars?

How much am I willing to give it up in the name of spite or impulsive moments?

NEVER exchange God for momentary pleasure. It's not worth it.

God save us.

How you feel does not matter.

God is still God.

He is still on the throne of grace.

Always prepared to catch you.

Always there to break your fall.

His love is unconditional, undivided and everlasting.

The word undivided is held close to my heart.

Now I know how God feels when we love in part.

Love the good parts about Him and hate the disciplining/obeying parts.

I know how He feels when I misunderstood His plans for me.

I complained to Him when I don't see His way.

It's all coming back.

The person who reads this will know what I mean.

I thank God for Bin Soon really.

The only one who'll hear my rantings and take it with a pinch of salt.

With a solid advise "it's not worth dying for someone we know we don't have yet, sometimes we don't see what we already have and we lose it cus we get complacent."

The people who care are the people who will get hurt most when you die.

Okay I'll be contented with anyone who'll just sit there and listen to my rants.

I was reminded today about 1 Cor 13:4-9 i think. about love.

I need to learn how to distract myself from seeing what she does and say in her world.

then I will get less disappointments and judgments.

I'm such a nagger.

Stupid lies, cover ups, half truths and damage controls.

Scared? Don't do what is disliked?

Problem solved!

Don't have to lie, cover up, half truths or damage control.

Cannot?

Now is a facade. I can't imagine what it's gonna be like

when I enter army.

FREEDOM,

YES XAV IS NOT HERE !!! HEHEHEHE

CONFIRM. BET A BILLION BUCKS.

DO (means alot of things) WHAT YOU WANT. IT WILL HAPPEN, IT WILL.

SAY WHAT YOU WANT, IT WILL HAPPEN, IT WILL.

I am so tired.

Repeating myself and looking like a nag.

It stops for a week, MAX!

Always hoping it'll last.

It's so inconsistent now that I'm paranoid.

It comes and goes as and when.

I'm not supposed to comment.

I'll get stoned. Or at least face a stone.

It's tough.

But I hope.

It's tiring.

But I love.

It's disappointing.

But I try.

I'll keep trying, cus that's what love does.

It's like adrenaline.

It pumps you up.

Because each time you see the perfect ending.

You strive hard for it.

Perhaps too hard till you overheat and die.

You try slowing down.

But fear and doubts take the driver's seat.

Love and You take the backseat.

Soon you're on a rampage to destruction.

Breakup is imminent.

Desperately patching it.

While the other watches, wait and have fun.

It's not a game.

Don't play with hearts.

It can kill.

DON'T EVER LIE. ESPECIALLY TO YOUR LOVE ONES

THEY ASKED CUS THEY CARE.

It's what put fear and doubts in the driver's seat.

Paranoia develops into a monster.

It'll eat you inside out.

Tear you to pieces and make you go mad.

I need a relighted passion.

Mature mind.

Caring self.

Is it worth? Is it tangible?

Is it real? Can it happen?

Why? I wanted it to be simple.

No masks, no make ups, just something simple.

For a simple guy like me. Not too much till I drown.

Why? I asked for it.

Now I feel it's getting complicated.

It's getting bad.

I wanna run

I wanna get out

Perhaps NS will be a good getaway.

I always thought that life is simple.

But it isn't when you face litmus tests. Especially when it turns red.

I want back my life with God.

I want to live like I used to. I woke up each morning to God.

I'll just take my guitar and sing to God.

I will stand on stage just to show people that God is real in my life.

I will go to church wanting to spend time with my community.

I will go to school wanting to spend time with crusaders.

God I really want that back.

God I'm sorry.

I know this confession is not specific.

God I pray that you will reveal to my heart the things that I have done to disappoint you.

Every single speck that is keeping me away from you.

I'm sorry.

Love,

Xavier

Everlasting God, Eternal Father,

I pray that I will let go more.

I pray that you will help me focus more on my walk with you.

I pray that as I walk with You I will trust You more with my life.

I pray that everything will be in place as I seek You.

I pray that I will glorify Your name with the choices I make for You.

I pray that You will honor me too for the choices that I make.

I pray that You will give me the strength and the courage to make those choices.

I pray that by Your grace you will be sufficient for me.

I pray that I will not be afraid to let go.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen.

Really ? Do I have to ?

Do what the book say?

Only make friends who are building you up.

No point mixing around with friends who will pull you down?

I think it's true and that has been my principle.

Did I fail this time?

I need time for myself again and need to find myself again.

I need to think about what's best for myself again.

I had the determination to stop, seriously.

But I can't whenever I think of it.

It's so tough to get rid of this mental block.

It's so tough to get over it alone.

God I need help :(

This is so draining. Worse than last sem.

I need to LET GO.

LET GO Xavier LET GO !

Had a talk with Damien and Prash yesterday. It was really good !

For the longest time I've been asking those who don't attend church to go !

But when it hit me, I didn't saw it coming and I got sucked out of my church community.

Now I know what it means by don't enter into a battle alone.

They advised me and gave me the chance to apologise and prove it to them.

But most importantly to God.

I really need to stand firm. I really need to know my ground and work it out.

Prash used the example of an ants nest.

They build it grain by grain, it'll turn out to be badass although it's built from grains.

We all have had our fair share of weaknesses that led to sin.

But if I have stumbled my christian brothers and sisters, I deserve a huge slap from each one.

And I deserve your disgusts, disses, jokes, name-calling and put-downs.

But I think if you're my true christian brothers and sisters, I deserve your encouragement, prayers and constant reminders.

Maybe I'm demanding for a beggar. Maybe you see it as I don't deserve it.

But I hope you will see the fire in my eyes when I say I want to change.

I just pray that from now on I will make the conscious effort to stop this.

I pray that Jesus will be on my mind from now.

I'm gonna start praying everyday and I'm gonna set alarm to remind myself.

Be it for 1 min or 5mins or 1 hour.

All I ask from my friends is to keep Carissa and I in your prayers.

Thanks.

Xavier

I thought the meaning of love is simple.

You would sacrifice anything. ANYTHING.

Even if you know it might be potentially wrong.

But if it's wrong then you have vested your love on the wrong person.

No?

I know God's love for sure.

Love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

He will definitely rebuke those who makes use of His love.

There will be consequences.

I hope Carissa and I will learn how to love each other more each day as we learn how to love God first :)

When we do, when we obey all His commands, we will learn how to love humans.

Anybody on the streets.

And we will definitely know how to prevent ourselves from being a stumbling block to others.

I wanna start now God and start praying.

I pray that I will repent.

Today on 22nd Jan

Dinner !!!

Just trying to get used to the loner life :)

I'm fine :)

At least have blogger :D

It's a dead blog.

Isolated enough for me to type how I feel here. No one comes anyway.

I'm already missing her when I think of army.

Now I'm missing her even more because I can't spend my BLARDY HOLIDAYS with her.

We are always rushing through. You know how that FEELS ?

No you don't.
When I cry you probably don't know.

When I miss you inside whenever we say goodbye and I'm always the only one expressing it.

I have to say it before you'll give me an extra hug or smile.

I've concluded that I'm too sensitive cus I want you too much.

I should stop.

I love my life :)

Xavier

Don't have to really...
Don't have to consider my feelings.

I mean it's only 2 months of not meeting. Can't hurt that much right?

Even if we meet before the 2 months it's gonna be rushy.

But it's okay.

I'm the more sentimental, take-it-slow kinda guy so it'll hit me more than you.

You won't feel it.

But if it makes your boat float. If it makes you smile. If it makes you happy.

I'll be happy too :)

Somehow the choices, expressions and decisions made,

makes me think that I want this more.

The lack of grip shows that I want this more. I'm gripping harder.

But too much for my own good it cuts through.

It doesn't matter though.

Don't worry just go.

I'll get by.

Someday, maybe someday, it will intensify and I'll feel the grip in my hands.

So tight I hope marks will show.

But it won't cut cus I'm soft.

Perhaps too vulnerable, too soft.

But I believe it works this way.

Life.

Thats how you spell it.

L-I-F-E

It won't be that bad. For me it will be worse.

I'll prepare for more atomic bombs.

So that I won't get heart attacks.

Today is a "sian" day. I don't feel like doing anything!
But this has to go by tomorrow cus I have a billion and one things to do that I have left it on hold.
Like running 10k twice a week and doing my projects and doing disciple!
Arghhh I didn't know a girl can screw up your mind so much that you don't feel like doing anything. I wonder if she knows.
I always tell myself it's the right time! When is? seriously I need to know!
This time I'm not missing the train I gonna try everything I can. But not till the stage off desperation. It's more like slow and steady.

But I really enjoyed that day, it was magical haha yeah unbelievable right. I know
I can't really understand myself either. Not like you'll see this but Thank you.
I think I need a time off from all the church ministries and just have some quiet time with God and myself.
I have to get right with God. But how do you know when you're right with God?
What defines right?
Seriously I don't know. I need a mentor who is willing to walk closely with me.
I feel like I'm imposing on people sometimes when I pour my heart out to my DGL, CGL, Youth Leader. Just look to God I guess and give him the reins.

LOVE,
Xavier

Hey blog now I'm certain no one visits my bloggg !!! hahaha yay!!
Anyway, studying can be quite sian after awhile.
AND CRAP I'M ADDICTED TO FRINGE !
i must stop this!!
STUDY Xavier !

I think I'm being played la but it's okay focus on exams and you'll forget hahaha.
Can't wait to hang out with desmond and ervine!
i met ervine today !
I really hope he'll do really well for A levels!
But he's got D Uni A...
anyway gtg bye !

Before I forget I had good dinner with "Pastor" Robin and Luke Lim at Astons :)
We had guy talk and wow haha it was quite an inspiring time.

Fine.. I shouldn't use blogging as an excuse to rest. Do work now Xavier !

ciao blog

She should know that guys are visual and hands-on.
GIRLS should just be more aware of their body language and the way they dress.
Sounds traditional, but it's true, it's practical and most importantly it's biblical.

Just a random thought anyway. Cus apparently guys in Singapore are getting super desperate.

Quirky is the word.
I am so stressed right now, I want to drink a strawberry milkshake. haha

Are we egoistic, insensitive or just ignorant when say things like "oh what a small car you have" when we actually meant "what a cute car you have"
Or when "this guy/girl is stalking me" when they are just going your direction or looking at your direction.

Haha I don't even know how I started this blog.
Maybe, I need a life, or I just need an output since I don't really have friends to talk to.
Actually I do but I feel that they don't care sometimes or they just don't have the answers I want/need to hear.

I feel so legalistic, I judge, I diss and make comments. But I feel that it sets me apart from others.
I talk to myself all the time, thoughts like "it takes one day for me to be like you, but it will take more than one day for you to be like me"
"I am Jesus motivated, what about you?"

This kinda stuff floats in my mind when I see my friends clubbing, going for drinking parties, chasing after materials of the world.
I feel the constant need to remind myself not to be like them and it reaches to a point of being judgmental, legalism and most of the time gossip. (I try very hard to keep it to myself)

I think I'm addicted and I face the problem of judging the way people look, I'm visual man.
I find it so hard to change.
I need God.
I need Jesus.
But I'm not the quiet time kinda guy. I need to be that guy.
I have been taking God for a blessing machine.
I need prayers.
I need to be determined to change.
But how?
Read the bible....there is always a start for everything.
STOP.
Pray now.

There's this new girl in the block.
Crap I think she's hot.
I feel the need to walk away, I made a pact.
I should stop thinking.
She probably just feels comfortable with me and treats me like a friend, that's all.
I wanna run away. Study dude !!!

My week's been grwat other than the fact that my Great Grandmother just passed on at 10:17 this morning. And only my Aunt was there. I feel sad yet I'm not even tearing. I don't know what to feel.
She use to play with me when I was younger and she would advice me like how most grandmothers would.
It scares people to know how young my family is. She's 94 BTW.
Now that she's gone I will miss her for those times, her smile and the joy she brings by mispronouncing my name as "Radio" I don't know how it got there.
The only regret I have was not being able to share with her the gospel.
I won't make the same mistake and this time God.

I pray you will give me the courage and break the language barrier so that I can share the gospel with my grandparents while they are still alive and kicking!

Anyway back to school, I need to study. I must Force myself to study no matter what.
Put the chick aside and just focus mann.... It's still you btw...

God please give me the wisdom to discern and the heart to persevere through this last year.
Thank God for Pentecost Sunday and I pray that God you will bring revival to this land.
Amen.

I don't mind writing here cus I think people don't read blogs anymore, or mine at least :)

Yay ! I finally got the new Macbook pro. I just need cinnamon buns and I will be contented.
My mum sent her car to the workshop and they offered her to drive their temporary car for 4 days. The BEST thing is, they loaned her a TOYOTA WISH...
So yesterday was the official day I drove a SUV. Big stuff manzxzxz.
It has alot of road feedback but who cares it's a SUV!!

My life has been great so far. Just a few disappointments here and there but I think I'm fine.
I am just so confused right now.

I feel the need to run but I need motivation man. Otherwise it is 5k and I'm out for practically the week. See how lousy is my stamina.

School's school. Can't complain, Damien was right I chose the path now I have to walk it with no complains. Contentment.It's still you but I think I missed the boat. So forget it. Career first

I WANT the NEW MACBOOK PRO !!!
Let's see... A new car, some cash... Nah kidding
life is way bigger than those.
All I want is a farmhouse with an average family and some good friends
just out of city life. And live simple.

Do people still blog?

My blog is still around!
I'm waiting for psych to load up, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this.
Life is mundane, I feel stagnant.
I wonder if people still blog.

Do people still blog?

Things change when you grow.
kinda sucks.
i find myself constantly struggling with worldly stuff
things that are wrong, things that i don't need but want.
how do you fight these off.
everyone can quote me "i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
but honestly speaking i can't feel God anymore.
It almost seemed as though he just vanished.
I don't know where to find Him.
Places where the outcasts or the lost and the broken are?
where?
It's so hard!
gah

i guess its true that only through worship will i be able to hold on.
hmmmm
night

hey hey.
haven't really got the time to blog
but thankfully this last paper is gonna be relatively okay.
since i have been doing accounting for so long and i keep getting stuck at the fundamentals. it's quite boring !

Anyway, Saturday was fusion and no words could describe how brilliantly awesome it was. Planetshakers was good. The crowd at the third session was the best cause it wasn't crowded there was enough space for everyone.
and Sunday went for some talk by planetshakers in the evening it was great fun !
with the BAM! and stuff.

i have been really clumsy for the pass few days i keep knocking my wound till its like a bump now. cause when i it hit on something a wound would appear on the wound
gah I'm confused.

I think it's LUKE LIM's BIRTHDAY. oops=)
haha
exam in 5 hours time man!
better study
bye!

How great Thou art =)

As I grow older I somehow have the tendency to think that God isn't real and that those things that I have felt in church were just mere emotions. Or that the bible is just another moral textbook which tells us about the right and wrong. I'm not sure if it's just me but I tend to forget that God has changed my life by simply just giving me a brand new mind and heart. And I'll never forget that encounter in sec 1&2 church camp.

Looking back actually gave me the assurance that this God is real. He moves !
no offense to Buddhists but I grew up in a Buddhist environment and after so many years of a variety of offerings nothing happens. You might argue with me with a whole lot of theories to try and prove me wrong.
(I apologize if anyone should feel angry after reading this, I blog in peace.)

But I dare say that this God of mine never change and never fails. All He need is a little bit of faith, a heart that will honestly say God I believe in Your son Jesus Christ and admit that you have sinned. And a miracle will take place that will change your life. Unbelievable? Believable.

Those who will hold on to God till the end of days will have eternal life. Being a Noah Jr. and building your own boats with your families in it really takes courage , determination, patience and discipline. People will mock you and try to tear you down, but are you firm enough in God to last through this race?

I guess it all boils down to one thing, to dare to try. I've always have trouble
understanding why it is so hard for people to accept a God that needs His people to love Him and that's all !

Ah well, that is something I will never be able to grasp. If it was this easy there wouldn't be missions.

just some random thoughts.
I'm super tired

Xavier.

Hey guys,
It has been awhile.I doubt anyone would read this since its a forgotten blog.
I write to vent my anger and also some thoughts.
Just so you know I'm alive and kicking just really pissed at myself.
Anyway, I've been trying to be a good boy, kinda like finishing up assignments and with a whole lot of commitments that I should just neglect instead.
Just remembered about a few forgotten assignments that will bloody cost me a few percent about 15% plus. FYI this module is 5 or 6 credits so ouch there goes my GPA. I still don't understand how Mechanical systems can be a real estate's business course core module. WHAT THE HECK.

I never did understand this God's grace that was given so freely for us or at least for me, and I still don't.
Someone reminded me that I can never understand this grace until something goes really wrong with my life. It's kinda true cause we've been living in such comfort and luxury, that we've taken this grace for granted. So much so that as Christians we don't even behave like we have received this grace.
I don't really know how to put it in words but seeing God alive in my life a few times wasn't enough. In another words I'm thirsty for God to see what He have in stored for me I just don't have the determination to seek Him.

Every single time i try, never once am I not distracted by my surroundings like mostly people and cars.
I think i need something to burst my pride bubble. I need a really sharp needle to poke my ass so that i can think, remember and not judge.
Oh yeah people around me will know that i am forgetful. so forgive me =)
and I really pray that God will give me a mind that will help me to remember.
i don't want to be 1 minute Tom or something.

I really pray that this will be put into action like get myself a planner and organize myself.
I've been really cranky(short-tempered or retarded), blame the weather bla bla bla. yeah that's life and I've never learn how to actually say from the bottom of my heart that my life rules. =(

Xavier have decided to follow Jesus and be changed. Please pray for me =)
I am gonna study like I've never before. remind me to =) haha

alright night guys
sleeping time.

hey hey
it was a really weird day
i woke up early today but i felt super lazy
so i got myself hooked onto the tv
ahhh the life of hols haha i love it man
just pure slacking
haha afterwhich went out for christmas shopping
that totally went off track
met luke sim and shamus at fareast randomly
so the four of us including luke yan went over to esteler
met bok bok to buy hospitality stuff for "The Stand"
then went on to buy christmas presents
i was left with 10 mins of that
walked through bugis street (it took us more than 15mins)
it's super crowded la
with techno and occasional shouts from the vendors
went for a meeting after that
and carolling prac yupp
more shopping tomorrow!
NIGHT
haha

hey hey
woke up early today (9a.m)
hahaha
hmmm super retarded
i ran for 3km then started walking
haha super weird I felt giddy while running
have a stupid npsu thing today
but gonna go for carolling later i guess
don't feel like going for npsu la
hmmm i shall take a shower before i decide =)
ahh
just a thought while i was walking back home
from the weird run
Jesus came to fight a battle 2000 years ago
and the battle has been won
so why are there still people fighting
yes and why is campus crusade called campus crusade
and not something else.
hmmm a crusade is defined as war/holy war
intriguing...
maybe i have little knowledge about it but
it'll be kinda cool to read about it hahaha

Xavier =)

sleep !!!
argh something that i've been deprived of for the past few weeks
more stuff to do during the hols
christmas party was okay
just that it felt more like a year 2 and 3 party
ah well only 4 year ones was there...sucks
but the food was good ! guess who did food
obviously it'll turn out great haha

stupid la had some gift exchange and no i didn't get one
yea haha
gonna sleep soon

trust God always
Satisfied about your life?
have it filled with the spirit and you'll be empowered by the Holy Spirit
some awesome truths that dillon taught us today

oh yeah shoutouts to christmas comm
thanks for helping had some fun working with you guys !

gonna sleep now night

ahhh finally got some time to spare
for this miserable blog that no one reads
thats fine i love talking to myself anyway
get to know who i really am i guess

so hey just came back from a meeting and a movie today
I felt really bad for being late
But other than that they're just gonna ask me about updates
for the food thats gonna be catered
I dont really see the need to be there
just tired and lazy i guess
sorry for being so irresponsible
I'll change

anyway BOLT was awesome awesome awesome
loads of morals to learn from it
must look deeper i guess
thanks Halim, Luke Yan, Choey and Faith.

all the best for your project yanny yan yan (luke)
hahahahahaha

uhhh really really trying to sort out my various commitments
i really wanna do eveything but i can't
i live really far and time is limited Gah !
i am really really sorry
scold me to wake me up please !
I'll improve i need some time for changes
The least important that is on my list now is prestiege
yes that.
next would be stags
then i'll be fine

"Nothing is impossible through Christ who strengthens me"
its in my own words i think cause a bible is not with me.
haha
but yeah God is the "Great I Am"
therefore
I M possible =)
there.... so nothing is IMpossible

Lord strengthen me I pray
For i am nothing without you.

Unveil Tomorrow !

Love,
Xavier

wohooo 2 more papers to go.
Computer Drawing (Friday) & Econs (Saturday)
Sucks man haha...
saturday paper !!! stupid econs !!!
IDS was okay today,
can't hope to do well, simply cause my drawing sucks..
alright guys super tired now
and i hardly ran a half marathon ah sucks man.
i was super bored so i decided to take a shortcut haha
about 14km plus minus.
second time from Loyang to Changi Beach.
haha
sucks man
BIG TIME
Gonna study soon

God give me strength and determination !
Let Psalms 51 be my prayer ! the prayer of David.
Thank you Lord =)

Gonna eat now! Night

Oh Yeah Wanna give a shoutout to Manda
HAVE FUN IN PHILLIPINES !!!
Bring some durians back for me i don't mind
DIAMONDS =)
hahah

Hey Hey!

Birthday shoutout !!!
Damien, Prash, Ken Chin, Jun Ming !!
Happy Birthday all you people !

Alright. Kinda miss church camp and all
Just wish that church camps will never end.
God was there and His spirit was uber strong.
One of the strongest I've ever felt.
I feel like crap now (not because of church camp.
I hate myself. Because i have no determination,
no self control, i feel like crap.
I just wanna kill myself,
What the hell is wrong with me!?
Go away Satan you suck loads

ahhhh anyway church camp can't describe it too awesome.
Days sped by, we should have powers to control time.
So busy preparing for games during camp,
Kudos to Ryan, Becks, Games Comm, Damien, Luke Yan, Ben Tay, Logs Comm,
Su Fen, Bernice and 1 Peter
For spelling out the word Fun to me during camp.
I really hope that we'll learn to trust God in whatever we do
Enjoy Life and Stay Clean !!!

Night !
Xavier :)

THE FOLLOWING POST IS FILLED WITH TRUCKLOADS OF NEGATIVENESS
READ IT AT YOUR OWN RISK !!!!
<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>

God please help me fix my guitar.
I feel weird without it ! Argh
Angry with myself
everyone's flying going for vacations while i'm stucked here
on this safe but miserable little red Dot
so sad.
why do common tests even exists.
isn't everyday a test in itself already
so tired
I've never felt so drained before
what happen to the energy i had in camp

Its gone, everything's gone
I wanna get free i wanna break this thing
i wanna just sing God's song everyday
Hyms, praise, worship anything !

"For I tell you the truth anyone who knows the word
and does not put it into practice is futile."
(it's in my own words btw)

I feel like a hypocrite.
God help me.
I love You, and i need You oh God.
Be with me I pray.

Argh this world, i despise.
The God and Church I Love
Help Me Forget and I'll never Do it again this I promise
This my covenant to You My God.

FOREVER AND EVER
Xavier Chng

(bring me to a place where i can forget everything of this world
where i can just hangout with You, Alone.) Help Me

hmmm everything seems so far away.
right now i don't really know what to do.
it was sooo near yet so far.

why do things always turn out this way.
hmmm.
fully charged with faith,
and now i'm depleting.
it's like playing monopoly
just when i make it big it rolls down the hill

okay anyway
i've been sleeping quite late
skipping lectures and tutorials.
i dont know why.
what a nice time to skip them
when common tests are 2 weeks away
omg ! 2 weeks
DIE DIE DIE!!!

okay im not gonna procrastinate.
chill xavier chill
alright have to start studying.
i'll start with econs first !!
then MES followed by POA
IDS and stuff haha

alright night !!!

GOD BLESS

hi guys
i feel like ranting so much but no haha
too tired la
stupid mosquitoes the buzzing sound alone makes me itch
insect repellent is the way man.
anyway crusade was kinda cool.
no fear and no. fear!
winnie was talking about how we should only fear God.
but there was only ne verse going through my mind for the whole of life meeting
"the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom"
cheeem, deep...
hahaha it's really difficult i guess
But we'll have to be like david a man after God's heart.
even though he was a murderer, adulterer and bla bla
he still held on to God and i think thats the most important part
as long as we are willing to cling on to God he will always carry us through
Like no matter how dirty we feel or how unworthy we feel we should still talk to God
Cause Jesus came down for that reason, for our sins so yeah.
Continue to hold on to God guys.

There's a long and bumpy journey life but as long as we hold on to our Rock of salvation,
we will emerge as victors.
oh yeah, one last thought christians do make mistakes,
it's not what we do that makes us who we are.
It's who we put our faith in.
Humans make mistakes, christians are humans too give us some time man.
It's really difficult to just pretend like we're all fine and dandy anyway.
we all have our individual struggles in life be it big or small.

alright going to bed now night guys !

Hey guys !

just a short one.
cause i have loads of stuff waiting for me to finish up.
Anyway just got my internet up, finally ! whew.

Things i have to do by this week :

PAC assignment
(NPSU) have to call some vendors
Online forum for Econs (which is totally useless)
Church Games comm stuff
get rid of my flu
And some cool stuff.
listen to my new playlist
get bibles for my mum and dad
get 2 restored book for mum's friends
oh yeah and meet up with my old friends like desmond and ervine !!!
Practice for bagpipes
Go for Boys' Brigade on saturday
GET SOME SUPER LONG AND WELL DESERVED SLEEP!!! haha

nothing much happened lately
i just got a late remark on my attendance sheet last week
fell sick on friday.
ermmm yeah.

haha gonna do some work now. oh my it's 1:05 !!!
arghhh wait for me time !!!
she's never angry :) haha (inside joke)

Night night everyone

Ooops it has been a really long time. haha
Really busy with school.
Anyway everything has been fine and dandy so far with some exceptions.
Oh yeah school started 3 weeks ago btw. haha
Cool haven't blogged for weeks!
Shall i start ? hmmm.
okay lets start with my really peculiar lecturers.
Seriously i've been coming out from their lectures and tutorials with mixed feelings.
Ever felt like crying and laughing at the same time ?
Yeah that...
This is the first time in my whole entire life having queer teachers put together.
Somehow no words other than GAY can describe them.
but some of them are really nice like my MES and PAC.
PAC might be too feminine for comfort but nonetheless nice.
I hope he's not really really gay in the head though.

Now for my classmates.
Most of them are nice people but there are a few closet muggers :(
I don't really know who my true friends are (yupp that's how i feel)
Yes although sometimes i might "suan" them, but i hope they will never take it seriously.
But it's fun when people just laugh it off or get back at me.
But even so repeating old jokes and events will get boring eventually.
It's in my blood to kidd with people
just so you know i've been holding back quite alot :)
But overall okay, class but not united.

Moving on campus crusade, yes!!
It's fun, exciting, family like and full of energy !!
I really like to thank God for leading me back to campus crusade
cause without them i would not have gotten closer to God,
and not to mention the really awesome people in it!!! haha
I really feel that God's alive in me and everything.
And thank God for my disciple group.
hopefully i'll continue to do QT everyday.
Playing my guitar again yay! haha
(somehow the strings feel better now) hmmmm

Ngee Ann Student's Union .
I just find it super duper ultra uber supercalifragilistic vulgar
ahhh so much things to do and politics.
oh well.

that's kinda my life in a few paragraphs.

church is getting awesomer by the week coolios.

anyway gtg bye

Cheer up guys.
Why are the peeps around me getting so depressed.
"Always look on the bright side of life" (whistles*)
Why can't we be straightforward and nice at the same time.
This way things won't be as complex as it seems.
And instead we'll grow to become closer friends.
But on the other hand we all need to think positively and be ourselves.
Just try to be our best, even when times are bad.
I know it's easier said then done.
But come on lets just take a deep breath,
and cannonball ourselves into the water.
Who knows you'll end up having more friends =)
Oh well, anyway my mum never fails to say this to me whenever i start judging.
"Look even your five fingers are not leveled nobody is perfect,
different fingers are used in different situations.
But when when they work together they are perfect,
cause God made us. Wanna know the bonus?
God made us in His image."

So we are made to do great things.
We are not made to criticize every tiny mistake that people make.
We are here to acknowledge our/others mistakes and then
learn and grow from it, and sometimes repent.
God gave us Jesus. He is grace.
His blood that flowed from the cross is grace.
It is for us to learn from our mistakes to repent.
So why don't we just make full use of this grace to bless others to.
Make friends not enemies.
Why can't we all just accept each other's indifference and live in peace.

So what if this guy goes all out to make you feel bad?
Can't you see that he is trying to put you down to his level
so that he can be a little better than you.
We came from nothing and we'll go with nothing.
We are all the same cause we only have our nothingness to boast about.
Love thy enemies, and one day you'll reap what you sow.
One day your enemies will find themselves like fools,
and instead they'll ask for your forgiveness.
But let us not make him kowtow to you when that day comes,
let us invite him with our open arms, just like what Jesus did.
Do your best and don't let the cross be up for nothing.

haha enough said.
On a lighter note, i've not been helping out with housework like sweeping and mopping.
I'll do it tomorrow, I PROMISE mum =)
What i did today was interestingly boring,
it will bore you guys like how reading a dictionary bores me.
All i did was watch DARK KNIGHT and play tribalwars & facebook.
Going out tomorrow man !!! egggggggciting !!! hahaha

alright guys i'm off to watch my tv shows and hang around with my parents.
(not forgetting the awesome red wine!!!)

night night!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANELLE !!!

You're 3 years old now !!! haha i feel so happy for you!
At least she is not all mood swingy now.
although she still does.

I think Ben Tan is such a nice dad.
I've never ever had a floating castle for my 3rd birthday.
Put aside the fact that i celebrated mine at Macs when i was 3 =)
But janelle is one lucky toddler that has almost everything in a 3 year old world.

Yupp anyway i reached home today to find that my mum was drinking red wine.
I gladly helped myself to it =)
As usual i swirled my wine about 12 times, cause 12 is a nice number.
Sucked the air from the glass and knew that it was good wine almost immediately.
It tasted better than all the reds that i've tried.
Asked my mum for the price and she casually told me 300 plus.
Guess it was a gift from her boss.
She gets free flow of wine, seriously and i love it!
After drinking 3 glasses of 14.5% alcohol my head is finally swirling.
I thought i'd never get drunk or high.
Oh well I thought wrong.

Anyway it was really nice to hang(damien, coughs*) haha with church clique again.
It was funn and we were all laughy and what not. Hint: retarded =)
Janelle is simply too cool now.
She's all grown up and luke got the taste of it.
Thanks to Becks and Choey teaching her how to throw water and bits of chicken at people haha.
Oh yeah and last but not least, thanks to Ben Tan for making all these fun to happen.

Today is gonna be one of the best day of my life =)

Love you guys =D

Gtg sleep now i feel so swirly in my head, crap too much alcohol =P