Why do I do what I do? 

Do I need to do what I'm doing to be happy? 

How much is enough? 

Driven by greed or fear? 

How much can I forgive? 

How long will it last? 

Why is this so hard? 

 Tired. 

 Reached Brisbane at 3pm Brisbane Time today. Flight delayed by an hour from Melbourne. 

Max and Ruo Han picked us up today. Love that my friends are freaking amazing. They remembered us and offered help. The least we could do is treat them for dinner. 

Max brought us to one of the christmas finalist houses. it was beautiful and very well lit. 

Noticed that Max and RH were holding hands. So they are together. 

Hannah saw Brisbane for the first time. One of her many many firsts. 

She has been very cranky lately. Largely defiant and saying the opposite of what she knows we want to hear. So it is very annoying. Learning patience. Also, learning that she is adapting the best that she can with so many developmental leaps and changes happening around her. Like time difference, climate and geographical distance. 

We are her only constants now. 

But very happy with the way she is learning new things. She has very high IQ and EQ. She knows the password to Car's phone and she remembers things really well. 

She learned how to shower by herself today. I must say although its super tiring, its also one of the most fulfiling thing to watch your spawn grow up. 

Carissa is an amazing wife. People used to talk shit about her. Even my good friends. But you know what. We all grow and learn. And I am glad to be learning and growing with this amazing woman. 

Cant wait to see what we will achieve in future. 

Finally a positive post. Ciao!

Ps. Hannah, if you read this when im dead. I love you so so much. Dont forget that. Of course I love you Cami, Carol. And the greatest love of all Carissa. I still love Oscar, but I hate that he needs to be treated this way to grow up. I love my parents and grandparents too. But my parents ahh... its disappointing. 

 What is family? 

Recently, I've been learning alot more about that word. Its not about the advice, money or time they give you. Its the physical and mental space they give you. Regardless of time, money and advice. 

My brother decided not to come back to Singapore. At a time when I personally feel is the most crucial period of his life. And his main reason? He wants to get married. He tried so hard to justify it objectively, but there were just too many holes. Financially, he overestimates rent and overlooks CPF. He says he has guaranteed pay in Melbourne. But does he think he will fail with me and a whole group of friends who will support him? 

He justifies with opportunities and other auxillary reasons. But he is my brother. I know him. More than the girl he loves. And I am cock sure, he will ask for leniency on his loans or suppoprt when he has kids and all the burdens of life converge on him as he grows up. 

But he will never learn tenacity and grit of being his own man. He will instead be cushioned by a life of real estate, car, and holidays bought for his future wife. Which he so happens to be a part of. He will be beholden to the new family he forms. He will be alas. abandoning the very family that supported him. 

Heck, we knew he would leave us when he got together with the girl. slowly but surely. What of physical and mental presence of my brother to support and work together to rebuild something that we have lost? Nada. All but talk of hopes and dreams from a man who has not put in sweat and action for his family. 

Enough about him. 

Let's talk about my youngest sister-in-law. We knew she was always a weak-willed person. Someone who uses people to get what she wants from them. The satisfaction of knowing that she is needed. That her company is helpful.She makes you feel like she bought into the family's dream of building an empire. She spents coupious hours, days, and weeks with you and your business. 

But when she gets drained from the menial tasks that are so beneath her, she starts to ask co-workers around her whether this is what they want for the rest of their lives. Of course, they are gonna second guess the goals and dreams that I so carefully sold to them. Of course they are going to second guess their options. 

Especially when we are out running around building the business and they dont hear from us. Of course. Of course. They will... eventually leave. Because she spends more time on the ground. 

They will start to form serious prejudices against the other slower and mentally handicapped people. They form cliques to diss and talk about their performance in the guise of the "interest" of this business. How can we be more efficient if this guy is always so slow. Always small talking Part timers? Of course they will start to demand to have their shifts move away from this co worker. 

Of course, this "sister" will begin to look like the saviour of the business and "help" us rid off staff that are incapable. Of course, her version of how the business should move towards become her righteous drive to steer my business. And anything other than her ways will bring the business to failure. 

So one by one, they stop seeing my vision. Only my failure. 

I had to stem the rot and cut them like weed in the beautifu garden that was beginning to take shape. Suddenly, my botanical gardens felt the beating of a relentless thunderstorm. Cloudy, gloomy, and drenched in the negativity spread by this one person. 

Of course her intentions are good. But she doesnt see the shadow that she carries with her. So insidious, so destructive... My immediate reaction was to weed all of them out. 

And I did. People and I noticed that the coffee owner was spending his lunch hour and dinners with my "sister" in-law. I honestly didn't noticed until they asked. So we decided to weed out these people. Infected by her seemlingly good intentions. 

Right now, I'm raging, because never again. Never will I allow such destructive, draining, deceitful, and conniving people in my life. 

The whole situation with my parents hadn't taught me enough. It took 2 more "family" members to teach me a lesson, perhaps a third person, the person whom I'm supposedly united with. I no longer understand her, I can't tell if she is on my side anymore. 

I can trust no one. The betrayal by my parents, brother and this "sister" in-law is too great. Never again. Never will I give them even a strand of my hair. NO emotions, no more mental capacity, no more money, no more love for them. They don't deserve it. Focus on the people who matters, H and my sisters only. No more. Because tonight, I make a stand. I stand with those who bled with me and stood by me while I bled. 

Jesus says to love all. But I need forgiveness because all the love I can give now are these people. I have no more love to give, I am numb to friends, relatives, strangers and people who have betrayed me. 

All I can rely on now is Jesus, the life giver. To extend that much grace to me, because I honestly am empty on grace to give to others. With what little I have, I now give to family. 

Addition and musings

So it's been exactly a year and 2 months since I wrote, it has been a pretty interesting year to say the least.

C and I went from being a married couple to a family of 3. We welcomed our daughter on 8 November 2018 at 10.25 pm. It was one of the wildest roller coaster rides of my life. In a span of 8 hours, we went from excitement to anticipation, anxiety to fear, excitement to anticipation again, then intense stress over decisions to make. Back to fear, and a full circle to excitement and joy.

Tears of joy just flowed as I saw my baby in front of me. It was a moment of pure joy. I have never felt that in my life. I waited with bated breath while holding on to our daughter as our doctor treated my wife. WHAT JOY and COMFORT it brings knowing that both mother and child are safe and sound.

Our families waited at the ward through 1 am while screaming with excitement for the baby.

What happened the next few months were a blur.

1. We shifted our house.

2. C got into a grad-med programme in Australia and we had to plan for the relocation in 3 months. Visa, logistics mostly for the baby, house and car search. Booked our air tickets and airbnb.

3. The businesses were ramping up for end of year bookings.

4. Celebration and farewell meet ups with friends.

5. And of course maximum rest and recuperation for Carissa.

Thomson Medical Centre does confinement food catering and we bought a 28 day package. It was such a life saver. No need for nannies to cook for us or change the baby's diapers. We spent a total of 1.7k  for the package. They gave us such big portions that I normally take her leftovers.

Anyway, wow, H is now 7.5 months old and we are enjoying every single moment with her. There are times where I got impatient with her in the middle of the night and while working in the day because she needs alot of attention. but the joy and pride she gives you really helps us to stay sane.

Anyway, we had trouble getting her to sleep on the bed by herself. But we have recently bought her a baby hammock with springs so we dont have to bounce her. This worked really well. Cus we started to put her down and she has been going for 1 hour naps.

Next, we need to train her to sleep on her own mattress at night.

And just got news that our new rental application has been approved. Can't wait to stay there and see what it's like.

Friends or family?

Family. Always.

Given the situation at home and having to work my ass off to survive with no mountain to fall back on, I better sacrifice my friends to survive.

With that note.

I've been thinking bigger. Ways to integrate Cohesion into my business plans. Ways to solidify the 2 brands that Ian and I have developed. But how? Solid investments are needed.

Friends come and go. Only the ones who'll stick with you through the bad times are worth the while.

I'm a friend who'll talk shit and throw truth bombs at the same time. Calling spade a spade is my forte. I am a problem solver. Tell me your problems and I'll ask permission to help you. The closer we are, the more obligation and motivation I'll feel. I'll go all out.

If no help is needed I'll stay at the sidelines and remind you that I'm here.

I'll ask you if it is urgent, if you say its not I'll take your word for it. Dont say the opposite of what you mean. I'm real just like that. And I expect my close friends to be like that because birds of the same feather flock together.

Period.

Migrating

I am really quite convinced...

The way of life here is just so different.

Everyone is polite and friendly.

House, Car and Landscape here is amazing.

Fish at the countless jetties and have wine every weekend.

Visit the farmer's market.

Climb the countless peaks.

Road trip to other states for a holiday.

Lastly, it's further from my problems back in Singapore.

Did I mention the weather here? Only 2 months of summer and the rest is cold !

Yes, tax and healthcare here may not be the best.

But the education system here is pretty good.

Can't wait to shift over here really...

Annoyed but Understandable

RANT POST

Since there is no one I can really rant to, I will rant here.

I was talking to my BFF about Oscar's study funding. Then I said he asked me a few times about how we are going to fund the next few years. Granted that I don't always remember things well. I think I am quite good with money. And I am very sure that I have spoken to him about this before. Whenever I am highly stressed I will rant to him. There was a drinking session that we had that he asked. That was when Oscar first decided to go and we were by my condo pool.

The other time was the dessert, yes I was annoyed and I showed him some attitude and was fierce with him. But I still explained how. I said end of the day really cannot we take bank loan. I was annoyed because he asked it in a tone as though I was a kid.

He is good and reading people, I admit. But unfortunately, he sometimes can read himself. And to add on to that, he tried to ask if he can back out of the bacholerette party. (if he didnt mean that, I felt that way man.) I thought we are all in this together.

He knows that my wife wanted a party because her friends are not as close to her as mine and she felt left out. Since he can read people so well, he already know why I am doing it but he still ask and ask and askkk WTF. Of course I will get angry. Come on. I am already filled with stress.

Not to belittle your stress and your own concerns. But my stress is Fucking real. If I don't earn money, where are we (wife+siblings) going to stay ? What are we going to eat ? Your concerns are real too ! But you dont have to live on the streets and eat bread or nothing at all. Because you will never run out of support !

You dont even have to fucking beg for it. I HAVE TO on the other hand. It's not my fucking fault that you're in denial. You want me to listen to your advice, but you dont even fucking take mine. Thats why nowadays I just listen, I don't give advice anymore.

Sorry for all the vulgarities. But really. Need. to. RANT.

He is not a christian, but he has a holier than thou attitude. Very chauvinistic. He thinks he is always right. He thinks that his philosophy is the way. Yeah be responsible and accountable for everything you say and do. But when you judge others according to how you judge yourself, you will be very disappointed man. The world is full of hypocrites and procrastinators. It is a cycle. People pull their socks up and then they need to rest.

Sometimes I feel like a collector's item, like he is friends with me to brag about how much connection he has with everybody. I mean that's great. BUT NO we are not your items, we don't BELONG to you. NOBODY BELONGS TO YOU. You don't get to be proud and own shit when you "THINK" that you convinced someone to be a non-christian. Or when people "LOOK LIKE" they are "FOLLOWING YOU". NO. BIG NO. That's where your mistake is.  

I will be alright after this. And I won't blame him because he is going through some terrible shit. He is still my BFF, but sometimes I don't know how to tell him all these things. He is already not in the best place in life and sometimes I think that talking like this to him does not help because of 2 reasons.

1. He is dam fucking stubborn and that's born from his fucking hugely inflated ego.
2. He is slipping in and out of depression.

I tried to help to refer to him to counsellors by searching online for NEUTRAL (NON-Christian) counsellors. But thats all. I can bring the horse to the river, its up to the horse to drink.

That's if the horse thinks that it is thirsty.

BUT FUCK MAN.

LIFE IS TOUGH.  

Lonely

Loneliness is when you have no one showing you empathy.

Loneliness is when you have to put up a front no matter what so that your loved ones will continue to face the future with certainty.

Loneliness is when no one understands what you're going thru.

Loneliness is knowing that no one else understands and so you don't want to impose on them or burden them with that thought that they don't know what to say or do.

Worried about the funds that Oscar is getting. We are thankful for the 2 main sponsors. But it is not enough.

Camellia knows that it is not enough for her as well and fighting both fronts at the same time is impossible.

I don't want to disappoint her. I want her to pursue whatever she wants to do. But how? Please help.

Carissa knows that I have to help my siblings. She knows that I have huge responsibilities on my shoulders. She wants a house that we can call our own. She wants to spend time with me. 

I don't want to disappoint her. I want her to be worry free. I want her to do what she wants. But how?

Carolene have ambitions. But she is tied down like me. We want to be free and independent. But we can't. Not now. Not till we are mid thirties.

Who can understand me?

No one.

Who can listen to me?

No one.

Who can help me?

No one but God.

So help me God.

Help me be who You want me to be.